DRUMMOND:5

COMPETITION

victtIMM OND s S, vu RE mAcCOTCH WHISK.'

Post-Marxist

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 1790 you were invited to provide a song with Groucho Marx's famous words 'Whatever it is, I'm against it' as a chorus line.

I have been unable to track down the lyric of Groucho's song (from Duck Soup, I think), though a friend has sung me disconnected snatches and one of you kindly sent me the musical notation for the opening lines. Good performances came from Frank McDonald, Chas Garvey, Chris Tingley and Bill Greenwell, whose last two lines gave me a pleasant jolt: 'I guess that it is probably a wall — Whatever it is, I'm against it.' The prizewinners, printed below, get £20 each, and the bonus bottle of Drummond's Pure Malt Scotch whisky belongs to Stan- ley J. Sharpless.

There's a girl at the door with a clipboard, Any moment she's going to ring.

'You're wanting my views on today's headline news, Crime, Maastricht and that sort of thing? I've a short way with all such enquiries, My answer's quite simple, my dear; It may sound perverse or damn silly, But my attitude's perfectly clear: Whatever it is, I'm against it, I'm a Marxist (the Groucho persuasion), Though my reasons are scanty, I love to be anti, The teaser on every occasion, I'm always contrary, like Mary, But sorry — no time for more chat, Whatever it is, I'm against it.

Any space on your clipboard for that?'

(Stanley J. Sharpless) I'm just a little antibody, busy in your blood. You don't know that you've got me, but I do you lots of good!

A-coshing all your naughty germs I have a lovely spree - Whatever it is, I'm against it — it's never a match for me!

Each nasty thing that goes for you, bacterial or viroid, Whether poking at your pancreas or thumping at your thyroid, No matter if it's filterable, too small for eye to see - Whatever it is, I'm against it — it's never too small for me!

You may swallow lots of vitamins, eat spinach most profusely, And start your day with orange juice and lots of home-made muesli, But whenever the kids catch chickenpox or give you mumps for free - Whatever it is, I'm against it, you're lucky you've still got me!

Who keeps you free from winter flu, suppresses summer sneezes?

You think that cutting down on fags will ease your coughs and wheezes?

Don't kid yourself, my life-long friend! Repeat this heptapody: 'Whatever it is, I'm against it — I'm your pal, the Antibody!'

(John E. Cunningham) Good God, don't you know that it's Sunday?

And haven't I told you enough?

Just give me my roast and my Yorkshire, I can't stand this foreigners' stuff.

Why muck up the meat like a poofter, And 'bed' it — yes, bed it — on rice?

And what's all this mess you've mixed in it?

Don't tell me, 'It's perfectly nice!'

Whatever it is, I'm against it!

Is there anything good on the telly? It's a little too late for the match.

There ought to be some sort of game show . . What's that, dear? I didn't quite catch. You want to see Catherine Whatsit: Well, is she a watchable wench? You think it's some sort of adventure? Subtitles? You mean it's in French?

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

(Mary Holtby) It may be political theory Or simply a plain rule of thumb.

It may be a mystery unravelled by history, Revealing the wonders to come.

It may sound like truth but I'm leery, I'd rather pooh-pooh than be dumb. I'd like to torpedo each tenet and credo Whatever it is, I'm against it!

If you like you can call me a sceptic Who lacks the desire to believe.

I sneer at the nostrums expounded from ros- trums, All flattering just to deceive.

The faithful — so smug, so eupeptic - In unison cry 'One more heave'.

But I find so boring their constant imploring - Whatever it is, I'm against it!

(Basil Ransome-Davies)