COMPETITION

Governessy verse

Jaspistos

IN COMPETMON NO. 2023 you were invited to supply, for today's citizens, black-humoured advice from Nanny State, in rhyme.

The most macabre piece of `govemessy verse' ever composed must be the notice in the prisoners' washroom at Auschwitz (Primo Levi, who was there, calls it an `inspired distich'), which read:

Nach dem Abort, vor dem Essen, Hande waschen, nicht vergessen.

Beside this, Billy Brown of London Town's wartime admonitions seem positively genial. Many of your individual couplets gave great pleasure: 'All countryside pur- suits should thrive,/Unless the thing pur- sued's alive' (W.J. Webster), 'It is our duty to say, "Smoking kills"./It is your duty that pays half the bills' (Michael Balfour), `When faced with road rage, don't act tough./Raise two fingers — that's enough' (N.J. Hanscomb). Ray Kelley and D.A. Prince also had me chuckling, but the prizewinners (£25 apiece) are those printed below, and the bottle of The Macallan The Malt Scotch whisky goes to Mary Holtby.

Face the driver, shake your fist, Yell at him, 'You must be pissed!'

Cast aspersions on his birth, Tell him what his junk-heap's worth.

Should he murmur 'right of way', Do not pause to say him nay: Indicate what happens to Anyone who crosses you.

If he rolls his window down (As he might, the silly clown), Seizing a convenient stone, Bash him on the funny-bone.

While he strokes the shattered joint He will surely get the point: Those who venture on the road Have to keep the Myway Code.

(Mary Holtby) Here's a list of things to do To help your Government help you.

Brush your teeth and floss your gums: Dentistry can cost large sums.

Don't get fat and don't get ill:

Someone has to foot the bill.

Don't pay cash, despite persuasion: It can signal tax evasion.

Be aware that insobriety Is a burden on Society; Measure drinks, and keep the score: Think in units, stop at four.

Don't begin your pension late Lest you overtax the State.

And, when old, exit with grace, Younger persons need your space. (Noel Petty)

For shopping, not the Jaguar: The police just hate a stolen car. The jolly train is your solution, Helping to keep down Air Pollution! Shop healthily, for fruit and veg: Chips are the thin end of the wedge. Where beggars lie and blessings wish you, Be sure to carry the Big Issue.

Don't show the girls too much respect: Politically it's incorrect. Adultery? You risk your necks Unless you practise good, safe sex.

(Alyson Nikiteas) Where muggers mug and robbers rob Go quietly about your job, And should you witness vandals play Walk thoughtfully the other way; When youngsters kick and curse and swear Pretend you're deaf — don't interfere, And note, if one requires your aid, Samaritans may end up dead.

Invited to assist the Law, You never heard, you never saw; Ask not for whom their whistle blew, It's bugger all to do with you.

And when you take your evening walk The golden rule must be: don't talk, A salutation's paid with knives; Remember — careless talk costs lives!

(Frank McDonald) Beef-on-the-bone? Not if you're wise. Remember, that way madness lies. Nine p.m., the watershed: Mind those children are in bed.

Keep your grass cut, trim that border, It's New Labour's Law'n'Order. If you're a computer sluggard, You will be Millennium-buggered.

Suspect your neighbour of a rip-off?

We'd appreciate a tip-off.

(Stanley J. Sharpless) Your train's been cancelled? Don't despair, The one before may soon be there.

Tell other passengers they're not alone By letting them enjoy your mobile phone.

Just show the man in uniform your ticket: To kick his teeth in really isn't cricket.

Please do not vomit on the floor. What do you think the seats are for?

(Michael Swan)