7 MAY 1994, Page 28

Present Tense

You speak to me in tones of urgent angst: `Oh! Where's the sellotape? Who had it last?' I place it gently in your sticky grasp.

You sigh a grateful sigh and mutter, 'Thanks. I'm trying to wrap my Christmas presents up. We've only got 19 or so weeks left.

That isn't many shopping days. It's best To plan ahead then you don't come unstuck On Christmas Eve.'

I don't know what to say.

But wonder if you're like this very often, Or victim of a powerful lunar pull.

For if you live your whole life in this way We'll see you snugly tucked up in your coffin A good ten years before your funeral.

Matt Harvey