7 NOVEMBER 1992, Page 68

1. 3,t RL

PURE HIGHLAND MALT " PURE HIGHLAND MALT

-____51.011•11

COMPETITION

Headlines

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 1752 you were invit- ed to write a poem consisting entirely of imaginary newspaper headlines.

Although I remarked 10 years ago in this column that William Plomer is credited with having invented this verse game, I have failed in the intervening period to dig up his piece — I freely admit I didn't even pick up a spade. Anyway, you clearly enjoyed playing it. Near goals were achieved by Alyson Nikiteas, N.E. Soret, Alanna Blake and Gerard Benson, and Michael Kaufman from Australia gets a mention for his simple 'shock' quatrain:

GAZZA READS A BOOK. ENGLAND WIN WORLD CUP. MAXWELL NOT A CROOK. CHARLES AND DI MAKE UP.

The prizewinners, printed below, get £20 each, and the bonus bottle of Aberlour Single Malt whisky goes to Dom Roberts.

DEAF VICAR'S OMELETTE PAYS THE RENT NUDE SPORTS DAY HORROR — HYMNS IN TENT. REV'S WIFE MADE GOLDFISH INTO FUDGE. 'ARCHBISHOP'S SOCKS MUST GO' SAYS JUDGE.

ENGLAND'S SHAME.

CHURCH TO BLAME.

CATHEDRAL CHOIR IN CORNED BEEF FARCE. RICE PUDDING LOVER SLAMS STAINED GLASS. FAKE GARGOYLE PROBE DELAYED BY SNOW. GUN-TOTING CURATE 'HAD TO GO'.

CHURCH'S SHAME.

BISH TO BLAME.

(Dom Roberts)

IT'S PEROT - BY A HEAD! HUN BANK GOES BUST. DIANA - TWINS. LORD HANSON SECRET MONK. ZOO SALVAGE BID BY MAXWELL FAMILY TRUST. LAMONT DOES BUNK.

BULL LARK A COW, CONFESSES AUSSIE POPE. YELTSIN GIVES GORBY BACK HIS WASHROOM KEY. QUEEN MUM WINS WALK-ON PART IN SPANISH SOAP.

FRENCH QUIT EC.

PATTEN PREDICTS LARGE CHINKS IN BEIJING WALL. DURHAM TO TWIN WITH LOURDES. CREWE COPS THE CUP.

MAJOR SENSATION - FREAK ELECTION CALL! HOUSE PRICES UP.

(Bridget Rees)

AUSSIES NAILED BY ENGLAND SEAMERS. SEXIEST MEN ARE THOSE THAT SNORE. MYSTERY VIRUS CAME FROM LEMURS. ENGLAND BUILDS UP WINNING SCORE.

EPIDEMIC REACHES CHANNEL AUSSIES TOIL THEN LOSE TOP FIVE. DOG NOT UNEMPLOYED, SAYS PANEL PARIS: NO ONE LEFT ALIVE.

ENGLAND POISED TO WIN BACK ASHES. 'PLANET DOOMED' PREDICTION STUNS. WALL STREET PANICS, LONDON CRASHES. AUSSIES WIN BY THIRTEEN RUNS.

(Noel Petty)

MAGGIE BACK AT NO 10.

BUNGY JUMPING FROM BIG BEN.

POUND GOES THROUGH THE ROOF AGAIN. WOTCHA!

EARTHQUAKE SHAKES TRAFALGAR SQUARE. GIANT LIONS LOOSE: BEWARE.

PIGEON SHORTAGE EVERYWHERE.

SPLOTCHA!

HEZZA GETS A FEZZAHEAD. MELLOR SLEEPING IN OWN BED. MAJOR MAY OR NOT BE DEAD. BOTCHA!

(Rosamund Gregory)

FIVE FAIRIES FOUND IN REGENTS PARK. A CHIMPANZEE WINS POOLS. THE QE2 IS SUNK BY SHARK. UNBRIDLED SEX IN SCHOOLS.

A MAN INVENTS A SUPERSPUD. THE EARTH IS REALLY FIAT.

THE MOON IS CHIEFLY MADE OF WOOD.

A GOAT GIVES BIRTH TO CAT.

TIGHT TROUSERS STEM THE RISE OF LUST. THE POPE DECIDES TO WED.

THE BANK OF ENGLAND SAYS ir's BUST. QUEEN ANNE WAS NEVER DEAD.

DANISH KING DEAD: FOUL PLAY SUSPECTED. SUCCESSION SHOCK: YOUNG PRINCE REJECTED.

No. 1755: Ladies' Week

I was intrigued to read the following adver- tisement in a magazine: 'Attractive, tall, cultured widower (very young 70) has everything except money. Any feminine interest?' You are invited to imagine that an intrigued lady has visited the advertiser at his home and is writing a letter describ- (Sid Field) ing the meeting to a female friend. 150 words from the letter, please. Entries to 'Competition No. 1755' by 20 November.

FORTINBRAS CLAIMING LAND OR RENTAL. CHAMBERLAIN'S DEATH CALLED 'ACCIDENTAL'.

MOUSETRAP FIRST NIGHT: 'A PLAY OF HUMOURS'. HAMLET TO TOUR: PSYCHOSIS RUMOURS. DEFIANT POLES: 'WE SHALL NOT QUIVER'. VIRGIN FOUND DEAD IN DANISH RIVER.

LAERTES STATES REVENGE AMBITIONS. ELSINORE DEATHS: POLICE SUSPICIONS. DENMARK 'IN NEED OF FRESH DIRECTION'. FORTINBRAS WINS IN SNAP ELECTION.

(Paul Griffin)