Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody
By Tamzin Lightwater MONDAY I wish everyone would just calm down. It's like the inside of Mr Willetts's smaller brain (the one he used for grammar schools) around here. Don't see why everyone is hysterical just because we are getting a new Director of Comms. So Gary's from Essex and used to be a tabloid newspaper editor. It doesn't mean he won't be Caring and Compassionate.
He's going to have the office next to Jed's — it was a big stipulation of his contract that they have almost equal billing but Jed says 'almost equal' is a very specific term. Lot of funny-looking crates being piled up in there, most of them marked 'Specialist Equipment: Do Not Touch' and 'Group 4 Surveillance Products'. Wonder if it's like that dial technology Mr Luntz left in the basement?
TUESDAY Was having lovely chat with Laetitia in the private office about how much we fancy Mr Bridges when Poppy slammed her hand down on the phone and cut me off. Anyone could be listening, you fool. Can't you hear the clicks on the line?' Apparently Gary used to be involved in something called 'Royal Bugging' and has installed state-of-the-art technology everywhere. Poppy says it's only a matter of time till DD launches 'a full counter-surveillance ops strategy'.
Then Wonky Tom came by and made hand signals at me, like he was doing street mime. When I couldn't work it out he leaned in really close and said: 'Do you want a smoked salmon bagel?'
Was almost glad it was time to take Mr Wiens fresh felt tips. He's been in the Tranquillity Room 'getting it all straight' for four days now. Jed took his proper pens away. Said they were too sharp, he shouldn't be left alone, etc. Especially since Dave told him he would have to wait till Friday for his 'debrief'. Nigel reckons Mr Wiens is going to have all kinds of vocal tics by then to add to the strange new way he's found of pronouncing teccuzzzzzz' WEDNESDAY He finally appeared. He was really nice-looking with Sven-style glasses which I thought were a good sign. But then he came up behind me while I was on the phone briefing a journalist I was only explaining how Dave was totally in control, but at the same time very relaxed, and chilled, but in no way letting things slide or being undisciplined, because he's imposing rigorous discipline, but not so that everyone feels stressed, because we're all very relaxed.
He said something about me being the Pony Club's answer to Vicky Pollard and walked away muttering, 'God help me. This is worse than I thought' THURSDAY Things just deteriorating by the minute. It fell to me this morning to explain to Gary how we handle the FairTrade coffee thing, but of course he didn't understand. He closed his eyes, put his hand to his head like he had a really bad headache and said, 'So let me get this straight You all hate FairTrade coffee, so you fill the FairTrade coffee tins with Nescafe. Except when Dave comes into the office, when you get a real tin of FairTrade out because you're wonied he might taste the difference. And this is ethical because?'
What a stupid question! Was just starting to explain that half the world is starving and we need to support Third World coffee production when he snapped, 'Listen love, get me a cup of tea, two sugars, easy on the fake organic milk.' Well really! I don't see how he's going to fit into the world of 'We Can' Conservatism with that kind of attitude!
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