16 MARCH 2002, page 76

Sepptic Tank

Simon Barnes BEING president means never having to say, 'It's a fair cop, guy, you've got me bang to rights.' That's true if you are a real president of an actual country......

Q. When Arriving To Spend The Weekend With Friends I

always find the first few moments a little tense and embarrassing. Have you any suggestions on how to break the ice more quickly? P. W., London SW1 A. Tenseness on arrival is......

Q. My Wife Is Going Away For Two Weeks. Neighbours

are already starting to invite me and the children to lunch, dinner and tea, refusing to take no for an answer and insisting that it will be 'no trouble'. I am not worried about......

Q. Would You Kindly Advise Me As To The Gentlemanly

way to deal with ill-mannered chickens? I met one such virago while sitting on a bench in a delectable spot in Derbyshire, when she jumped up and tried to grab a sandwich from......