No. 642: The winners

Charles Seaton reports: Competitors were asked to supply g love letter to or from any of the black characters of history. Two of those sug- gested proved far and away the most attractive propositions, but it proved difficult to out-Sade Sade and he supplies no prizewinners though there were several creditable entries, notably from C. H. W. Roll. Lucrezia Borgia set much the same problem, best overcome by underplay- ing things as Fergus Porter did:

Francisco, my beloved,

Ours was such a foolish quarrel, but so hard to forget that I have lain awake two nights because of it. Of course, you were right to rebuke me for my lack of subtlety, my dearest, but consider my situation. The Bishop was slow to choose the right glass, do you really blame me for taking up your knife which lay so con- veniently to hand? I believe not. But I promise you, my darling, you shall not see me err in that respect again. Let me seal my undertaking over supper tonight. Then you shall know how much Lucrezia loves you. From tonight, beloved, you shall have no more cause to reprove me. Come early, stay for ever. For ever, my darling.

Your adoring

L PS. C.. says what a good opportunity. for you to show him your title-deeds. Bring them along, do.

Crowned heads were popular, with Nero an especial favourite. Reading her letter Unearthed by W. F. N. Watson, I must confess I find Poppaea a little overpowering. Molly Fitton's Richard in wrote with foreboding on the eve of Bosworth Field, while George van Schaick's King John had an unusual way of seeking to demonstrate his ardour. The only entrant on Genghis Khan came from the British Embassy in Teheran.

Dictators, as might be expected, were rather less romantic lovers, and Rufus Stone reports Beatrice Webb ('and Sidney too of course') writing to Stalin to regret that time had made impossible for them the eugenic experiment re- putedly proposed by Ellen Terry to Bernard Shaw.

The ineligible fictional characters submitted included Mephistopheles and Dr Henry Jekyll and among the less eminent true-life villains were a small group of noted murderers from Jack the Ripper onwards.

Prizes of four pounds to C. L. Bundela, three pounds to W. F. N. Watson, and Roger Woddis, two pounds each to the others printed.

Commendations to the others named and to Joyce Johnson (Jezebel to Elijah), E. 0. Parrott (from Lucrezia Borgia). Peter Peterson (from Torquemada), John Digby (from Guy Fawkes) and G. J. Blundell (from Nero).

(W. F. N. Watson) Divine Nero darling, I so adored sharing that seductive couch with dishy Divine You at today's Games! Of course, chariot-races are simply not my scene since my ownest Imperator hung up his whip, but the rest! Such orgasmic oceans of gore! Those hordes of gladiators passionately dying for you —as I would myself, truly, Divinest, only I know you prefer little me alive, even if not kicking, you wicked thing—giving a hilarious thumbs down with one hand to that undersized retiarius, and an imperial thumbs up to your ecstatic Poppsy with the other. And that brilliant idea of yours, having those dreary christians devoured. Weren't they a scream, praying there, with lions noshing great chunks out of them! And afterwards! The su-u-uper holocaust •for your Music! The fantastic drinks! Weren't you stoned, Pet! And turned on! I And wasn't I ! I l Won't we simply ORGE when we're married!

Adoringly,

POPPAEA

(Martin Fagg) Dearest Girl, From the moment I saw you, I knew you were the one to give me all I wanted. A mere two days' acquaintance may seem a rash basis for lifelong union, but I guarantee you'll never have an opportunity to regret promising to marry me. Your offer to make a will in my favour is too sweet and trusting : we will call at the solicitor's directly after the registry office. Also at a doc- tor's, because although that slight faintness you complained of may seem nothing to you, there ought to be some medical record of it—just to be on the safe side. Don't be nervous of embark- ing on the waters of matrimony, my angel— it's sink or swim, I know, but I'm certain you'll never live to regret taking the plunge.

Yours, as long as there's breath in your body, my darling,

GEORGE JOSEPH SMITH

(Roger Woddis)

Big Atty,

I'm crazy about you and I think your group is the greatest, really groovy. I've been following you around ever since you showed those Roman squares where it's at and then freaked out in Germany and Gaul. My friends say I'm crazy because I want to be a groupie at my age, I'm nearly fourteen, but I dig pillage and rape, it's my scene. It blows my mind, know what I mean? I'd just die if you let me come and say hello to you and the Huns when you take a trip to Italy which is your next date. I'd be in your tent before you could say `droppem.' I'm really crazy about the way you do your own thing. If you see something you want just take it. My pals bet me I'd never score with you so please say yes, Atty baby.

Your ever loving Sandra (C. L. Bundela)

A love letter to Ann Bonny, the female pirate Fairest Freebooter,

Being holed betwixt wind and water by Beautie not Bullets, I be nigh keelhauled with Love. Ravishing Piratess. nimbly treading victims beneath them rosy heels in their dainty sea- boots, how bewitching thy Figurehead, rakish thy Lines and shipshape thy Stern! How I longs for me ribs and thwarts to mend, so I can know again the joys of being grappled to thee and throwed by the Bonniest crossbuttock in the Spanish Main. Excuse scrawl, I grows accustomed to doing without fingers and missses me ear not at all, but me lovesick heart and the fire in the galley gives me no rest till I be laid alongside and boarded by thee again, and rides at anchor with thee once more. Hereby signing articles to love and serve aboard thee whiles I've a shot in me locker for thee and the Jolly Roger, Thy faithful Cokswain, Jem.