st.1 SWIG! WHISKS

-JURA

ISLE OF

COMPETITION

Downer, not upper

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 1859 you were invited to write a 'letter of condolence' on the misfortune of an acquaintance which, intentionally or not, would have the effect of lowering rather than raising the spirits.

The best 'upper' ever written was surely Sydney Smith's letter to Lady Georgiana Morpeth when she was deeply in the dumps, which contains 20 items of practical advice, beginning: '1. Live as well and drink as much wine as you dare. 2. Go into the shower-bath with a small quantity of water at a temperature low enough to give you a slight sensation of cold — 75 or 80 degrees .... ' This week the female competitors were more deadly than the male, positively rev- elling in the caress that scratches. The men were inclined to an obvious and brutal cheeriness: 'I was terribly sorry to hear of the most unfortunate death of Estelle. Those crocodiles can move, can't they?' (Brian Garrett). The prizewinners, printed below, get £20 each and the bonus bottle of Isle of Jura Single Malt Scotch NO° goes to M. K. Geddes (female, I bet and hope).

Dearest Maud, I am devastated to hear Join; wants a divorce, leaving you for a rutted woman, just as you are reaching the dreau%

menopause, too. Swine! I remember 107 last

thrilled Michael and I were when you at joined us marrieds, and you have been a devoteis° wife. But you know I never liked John, With endless infidelities; sometimes I wished Y;30 could have a chance to be unfaithful too- been so lucky with my Michael. I'm afraid lt e t" mean great loneliness for you, friends withdrare ing, not wanting to take sides. Evenings ar

worst, especially in winter. Do ring when depressed. Michael and I lead such busy lives, but we would always try to make time for you. Loving sympathy, Penelope. (M.K. Geddes) Dear John, Genuinely sorry to hear about the Move job-wise, but now you're a free man, lucky Yon. Only ten years to your pension, and a com- Plete change of life-style. They say only ten per Cent of early retired get back to the same work, S o you mustn't feel bad about it. The world's Your oyster! Anyway, you'll be better out of it. Old Ferris must have been a swine to work for. Tough on Young Gavin, who they say is filling your slot -7 bad you heard? — even though the old man's his uncle. I know G. wasn't your favourite person. You'll be fine with the splendid Angela behind you. She's been marvellous to me when I ve been in a spot of bother and others would ay the same. I'll call her in a day or two and see if there's anything I can do to help. Sincerely, Mike. (Michael Kimmins)

Dear Andy, I just thought I'd drop you a line to say how sorry I was to hear about your accident on the fell-walking holiday. I thought it a very kind gesture on the part of the ramblers to club together to buy you the stick; you'll no doubt soon get used to it. I trust we'll be seeing you at Christmas for the annual shindig, when you can run through the story again for the kids. You will be sorry to hear that Uncle Jim is on his last legs and won't be able to be with us this year; we will all miss his continual faux pas. Oh yes, Thomas is off all fours now and into everything; he could do with being kept on a rope. He starts Tumbletots next week, which should keep Cathy from climbing up the wall. Looking forward to seeing you.

Simon. (John Noble)

Dear Diana, So sorry to hear about your mar- riage. Cheer up. It happens to the best people. Look at your royal namesake and how she copes. And you don't have the publicity to worry about. Well, apart from the stupid local paper which nobody reads. It's just as well all our friends pointed out the item to me. I hadn't known about George's conviction. I think it was terribly brave of you to stick by him at the time. Accusing the police of fitting him up was a risky thing for you to do, though we all know they hang around those places on the off chance. You have all my sympathy. You couldn't possibly be expected to see out his jail sentence, so pay no attention to his mother. By the way, did you know she has the controlling share in the busi- ness?

Yours, Charity. (Alanna Blake) How I envy you, being able to lie in bed all day, and not having to worry about doing anything. I am so busy I wish I could have an accident and end up in hospital for a fortnight, what with the preparations for the wedding, and then having to go to Wimbledon. It's such a chore having to turn up there every year, especially as the straw- berries seem to get more and more expensive.

Last week I found myself embroiled in plans for a dinner party at the end of the week — such short notice and not a thing to wear. But enough of my troubles. I hope you are enjoying the hos- pital food. I am sure that I would, as I am abso- lutely sick of all the foreign stuff that David keeps cooking.

Anyway, keep your pecker up, and think of me suffering at the opera tonight. (Katie Mallett)