No. 1223: The winners

Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked to list amusing and accurate differences, barring the biological ones, between men and women in this unisex age.

La difference evidently continues to flourish luxuriantly, even though my son refers to a popular schoolmistress as 'a good bloke'. That old chestnut (which two of you served up to me, possibly half- remembering its importance in the plot of The Cloister and the Hearth) still holds good even in the days of jeans: to wit, if you throw a small object into the lap of a sitting male he will close his legs to catch it, whereas a woman will open hers. Less reliable is the time-honoured test of threading a needle: it is supposed that women insert the thread into the stationary needle, whereas men attempt to manoeuvre the eye around the thread; but I suspect that this is something men are only asked to do as a comic turn when they come back from

the pub. The winners all either made me laugh or taught me a new half-truth. The first three printed below get £8 each, and £2 goes to each owner of any other item quoted. The bottle of Cutty 12 Blended Scots Whisky is on its way to Carole Angier, who can reflect on Roger Woddis's sombre distinction: 'Men drink to drown their sorrows; women drink to revive theirs.'

Men are finders, women are keepers.

Men want to be loved for what they do; women want to be loved whatever they do.

Men love women for what they do; women love men whatever they do.

Men aren't sexy if they think they are; women aren't sexy unless they think they are.

Men love before; women love after.

Men enjoy the hunt; women enjoy the hunt ball. (Carole Angier) An artist paints gems, like Botticelli, While artistes dance topless in old Delhi; A master owns all, but a mistress is bought; An usher's important in any law court, While usherettes sweep a torch through the stalls Looking for condoms and chewing-gum balls; A bachelor's gay, unlike the spinster; A landlord's like the Duke of Westminster, A landlady keeps a house by the sea Where the rules are stale as the bags in her tea; When honoured a man adds 'Sir' to his name, A woman becomes a pantomime 'Dame'.

(Fiona Pitt-Kethley) Women's hands are never clasped, Like men's, behind their backs; Both sexes wear the trousers, but The women wear the slacks; Men are not adept with tweezers, Women know their art; Women break their wind in private, Men let fly a fart; And men, whenever qualified, Parade beside their names

Initials, which, although possessed, A woman never claims.

But mainly, though a woman's mind Is foreign to a man, A woman knows the minds of both, As only women can. (Belle R. Welling) Though male and female noses are roughly the same size, there is a vast difference between the handkerchief sizes of the two sexes.

(Joseph Cole) A woman's ache is a man's incipient coronary thrombosis.

A man who wears woman's clothes is a transvestite; a woman who wears man's clothes is at the summit of fashion.

A man chooses the (expensive) restaurant at which a woman (on a lower salary) pays half the bill. (Alex Campbell) A woman keeps silent when she is in the right, a man when he is in the wrong. (John Sweetman) A man who strays is a bit of a dog; a woman who strays is a complete bitch. (Sydney Norgate) A woman reads the instructions for a gadget before using it, a man after he's broken it.

(V. Ernest Cox) A woman leaves the cork in the corkscrew, a man the corkscrew in the cork. (Natalie Trott) There are far more women than men Home Helps, except in the homes of the Home Helps.

Men are better than women as diggers of the soil, especially when it comes to burying the hatchet.

(H. L. Bray)

Men and women see the funny side of each other, but women conceal their amusement better.

(Julian) A woman is upset if another woman is wearing the same outfit; a man in the same situation takes it as a compliment to the good taste of both.

(F. Butler) Woman proposes, disposes, imposes, opposes, purposes, supposes, apposes, deposes and ex- poses; man dozes.

(Ewan Smith) Men play the game; women know the score.

(Roger Woddis)