COMPETITION

Choice of three

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 1786 you were invited to produce a piece of prose to fit one of these titles: Arithmetic by smell, The average flush of excitement, Good and bad temper in English families — all publications of Francis Galton.

The first title caught most competitors' fancy and accounted for 85 per cent of the entries. I had expected more about life in English families, but only Michael Birt among the losers managed to tickle my interest with his precise assertion: 'A hap- py and pleasant disposition is more corn- monly located in the male, except for a small pocket of north Herefordshire and a coastal strip of Devon.' There speaks a Worcestershire man.

The prizewinners, printed below, earn £20 apiece, and the bonus bottle of Drum- mond's Pure Malt Scotch whisky goes to Peter Rowlett for his convincing account of Dr Johnson's one-upmanship over a fore- ign savant.

Following von Linnes publication of his seven- fold system of smells, he received a letter from Samuel Johnson, claiming to have proof of an eighth, the smell of arithmetic. Arriving in London, von Linne was received by Johnson, who indicated his companion, a slack-jawed creature of low countenance.

'This fellow, sir, is Noah Little, an itinerant stone-picker of Luton. He has small understand- ing and can neither read nor write. Neverthe- less, he is acclaimed a prodigy by a frivolous section of London society for his curious trick of

making complex mathematical calculations in his head. I have, however, watched him and observed that, as Noah reckons, he invariably inhales deeply through his nostrils! He smells out his answers, sir!'

Von Linne inquired timidly whether this theory ventured beyond surmise.

'Indeed, sir, my proof is empirical and undis- putable! For when I take the precaution of simultaneously pinching his nose and stopping his mouth, the man is lost, and can give no answer at all!'

(Peter Rowlett) Possibly the West's cleverest trickster was James The Nose' Gullivre, who would stake large amounts of cash that his horse could do any simple sum for which the answer lay between one and nine. Waiting for the horse's reply was always tense; Gullivre would perspire freely, and dab his forehead with a red handkerchief taken from a pocket inside his overcoat. Yet always the horse was correct, conveying its answer by raising and lowering a foreleg the required number of times.

James Gullivre met a violent end, gunned down in Tombstone by a disappointed customer – the horse had failed to answer, and Gullivre had failed to pay up. His overcoat was found to have nine inside pockets, each with a differently scented red handkerchief. Bart Griffin, local vet, barber, and doctor, diagnosed a very bad cold in the horse and a large chunk of lead in Gullivre.

(Geoff Thurman) It is said that the longest minute is the minute taken by a lavatory cistern to refill after it has failed in its duty at the first attempt.

By using a remote-control ball-cock, a team of Belgian scientists has obtained remarkable cor- relations between refill times and incidences of hypertension leading to coronary arrest. Abnor- mal surges in blood pressure have also been detected when breathing is simulated outside the lavatory door, or when the door-handle is rattled during the refill period. However, no increased excitement is observed for average refill times below a threshold of 37 seconds.

An EC grant of BFr 50m has been awarded to extend the study to all public conveniences in Knokke-le-Zoute. The intention is to bring in early mandatory EC directives requiring all European toilets to be brought to safe flush-and- refill standards.

(Noel Petty) Good temper – as opposed to the pretence of it is rarely observed in English families. Bad temper takes a multitude of forms and is above all manifested when a family group is together either by intention, as at meal times, or by unavoidable chance, such as the morning com- petition for use of the bathroom. Bad temper can be dramatically expressed (screaming, throwing crockery) but in our cul- ture more often generates hostile silences or terse, repressed communication (typical ex- change: 'What's the matter?"Nothing. I'm perfectly all right.').

Lack of space can often worsen this problem. One solution, where it is economically possible, would be the creation in every household of at least one boudoir (lit. 'sulking room') to which offended family members can retreat. Bad temper, or its observable effects, also tends to be constrained in direct proportion to the number of television sets in the household.

(Basil Ransome-Davies)