YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Q. I will soon be publishing my first novel and understand that word-of-mouth recom- mendation can be worth as much as good reviews, which I am not expecting to get. Can you advise whether there is any direc- tory or listing of the members of the chat- tering classes to whom I might send free copies of my book with a view to creating a bandwagon effect during the summer months?
Name withheld, London W8 4. No such directory exists but the band- wagon effect can be created by other means. As your face is not yet well known, why not spend a week on rush-hour tube trains reading your own work with delight- ed enjoyment? Emit occasional snorts of laughter, and shout, 'Oh my God I've missed my stop now I was so engrossed!' before you get off. Repeat the performance on routes between, say, chattering-class sta- tions such as Notting Hill Gate and Paddington. Your publishers will soon be able to report consumer demand. Indeed, should their publicity budget allow it, they might profitably consider hiring a number of out of work actors to simulate pleasure in your book in other public scenarios.
Dear Mary.. .
Q. Although she is an earl's daughter, one of my dearest friends talks with her mouth full of food. As I am middle-class I find this flagrant flouting of the rules interferes with my own enjoyment of our lunches together. How should I draw her attention to this defect?
T.Y., Suffolk A. Next time you are eating together, grind some food up in your own mouth and then ask your friend the schoolgirl riddle, `Do you like sea-food?' When she replies, 'Yes,' you can open up your mouth to show her its hideous contents. No doubt she will shout, `Ugh!' or 'That's disgusting!' to which you can reply teasingly, 'Well, keep your own mouth shut when you're eating then.' Q. One of my closest friends has just writ- ten a book. As I am a reasonably influential literary critic, he has asked me to review it for one of the journals I write for. I would have no problem in arranging such a. com- mission but I do not like the book and he is very touchy. What should I do?
Name and address withheld A. Why not use your influence to find out if any other reviewers have been commis- sioned to `do' the book for one of your reg- ular journals? Once you have determined that, say, Anita Brookner is doing it for the TLS, tell your friend, 'Well, that's settled. I'm doing it for the TLS.' When, in due course, Miss Brookner's review appears you can say, 'Would you believe it? There was a muddle and we were both commis- sioned to do it. Unfortunately, she got hers in first.' By that stage, it should be too late for you to try to 'place' your own review with someone else.
Mary Killen
If you have a problem, write to 'Dear Mary', The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, London, WC1N 2LL.
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