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IN COMPETITION NO. 1884 you were invited to provide an extract from an awful example of the genre of books which offer to tell you how to achieve poise, self- confidence, social mastery etc.

'Know which way to hang a toilet roll ... Learn how to explain your presence in an Oxfam shop ... Know which designer labels go together' were three of the secrets guar- anteed to be revealed in John Rushton's book, Move Out of Mediocrity. Brian Tayl- or's advice positively invited a lynching: `Go to the ticket office. When you reach the head of the queue, breathe deeply. Gaze firmly at the clerk. Focus yourself in your centre. In a clear voice ask about trains to Penzance. Is there one tomorrow morning about 11? And the return journey, next Sunday? When told the answer, say you meant Monday. What if you want to return via York? Or pay in Canadian dol- lars? Can you book a reclining seat? ... '

He was a near winner, as were Martin Woodhead, David Barton and Paul Hat- ton. The prizewinners, printed below, get £20 each, and the bonus bottle of Isle of Jura Single Malt Scotch whisky goes to G.M. Davis.

Have you ever suspected that someone is out to harass you, weaken you, destroy your confidence and well-being?

Well, you're not paranoid. You're right. Now I'm going to tell you who that person is. If you don't want a shock, close this book now. It's YOU. YOUR misery, YOUR low self- esteem, YOUR fear. That's what's making you a failure.

But don't worry. There's a solution.

And that's YOU as well.

Because once you've learnt the techniques of Dynamic BioEfficiencyTM, the holistic philoso- phy that releases the locked-up creativity within YOU, you'll discover a change that will astonish you. Your world will be literally turned upside- down.

Dynamic Bio.EfficiencyTM isn't an abstract formula, or a set of rules. It's the living knowl- edge grasped by all great achieving men from Plato to Newt Gingrich, and its practical applica- tion in YOUR life. (G.M. Davis) Do you know how sheep liver flukes breed? I'll tell you. The larva starts inside the sheep and has to hustle out and sneak into a snail. But that's only for starters. The growing chap needs to move on into a tadpole or frog, which has to be eaten by a mouse, which has to be eaten by a weasel or whatever — and even then it's curtains for the life cycle unless the little scrapper battles out of there, gets itself eaten by another sheep and does its breeding stuff inside. Fluke some might call it. I say it's knowing what you want and going for it, however sticky things look. And we're not talking endangered species here. So, whenever you feel screwed up, just say to your- self, 'Do I want to be less than a liver fluke?' You've got the potential. Make it produce. The ball's in your court. (Chris Tingley) ICaudung ... the ancient art of awakening univer- sal life force energy. Every aware bodyworker knows that hidden powers can be released through various forms of physical or energetic touch.

ICaudung rapidly targets, releases and dis- charges bodily-held debilitating emotions of grief, fear, shame and inadequacy, thereby uncovering the empowering emotions of confi- dence, joy and love.

Kaudung's basic programme will introduce you to the five branches of traditional Oriental medicine (acupuncture, herbal medicine, physi- cal therapy, nutrition and Qi Gong), plus vital modern techniques such as Body Mobilisation and Aquatic Shiatsu (stretch floating and warm water rocking).

Kaudung Physio-Emotional Release Therapy goes well beyond previous methods, using emo- tional somatology and Qi-field flows to develop a centred, loving touch that will help you access the harmonising force of a spiritually and finan- cially rewarding life that will deepen your con- nection with others. (Basil Ransome-Davies) Try to visualise your body as a great cathedral, of which your head is the soaring spire: why ground it with unworthy thoughts of failure? Your heart is the high altar, safe behind the mighty rood- screen of your ribcage. Treasure its ornamental brasses, your feelings, and keep them well pol- ished. At the far end. down the long aisle of your digestive tract, lies the font, wellspring of all life. Enjoy its crystalline waters, within sensible lim- its, without shame. Your eyes are the stained- glass windows of this sacred edifice: in the words of the English bard William Blake they are the 'doors of perception', and need to be regularly cleansed. Try gazing at something inspirational daily — a flower, perhaps, or your own eyes in the mirror. Fools may call you self-centred or narcissistic, but you will know that you are mere- ly worshipping at the temple of your body — the route to successful personal growth.

(Peter Norman) Have you ever noticed how, in fiction, the author conveys the quality of commanding presence in the hero? The key attributes are always: dry palms, fin?: handshake, steady gaze.

Thy palms. This is easily achieved by carrying a small hand-towel. Be discreet, though. The ten- nis players' practice of dangling it outside from the waistband could be counter-productive.

Firm handshake. Try carrying a squash ball in your trouser pocket and kneading it from time to time to strengthen your grip. Remember, though, to leave it at home on actual social occa- sions, or your actions could be misinterpreted.

Steady gaze. Remember your mantra: I am a serious person. Perfect your seriousness by doing the following exercise with a friend. Fix each other's gaze, raise the right hands to the salute, and whistle `God Save the Queen'. The psycho- logical and muscular control required to success- fully complete this exercise is incalculable. (Noel Petty)

No. 1887: Command performance

June 24 is my 68th birthday. You are bid- den to write some sort of poem (maximum 16 lines) to matt the occasion. Flattery and mockery are equally invited. Entries to 'Competition No. 1887' by 22 June.