YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary
Q. Recently visiting the city where a niece of whom I am very fond is in her final year as an undergraduate, I asked if she would like to meet for lunch or a coffee. I was taken aback and a little hurt to be told that, as she would have been celebrating handing in her dissertation the previous evening, she expected to have a hangover and did not therefore feel up to accepting my invitation. To my surprise, my sister-in-law, who had been consulted on the matter, encouraged her to take this approach. How should I have responded? Disinheritance seems excessive, but how should I have conveyed to my niece my view that she was both impolite and a bit of a wimp?
Name and address withheld A. While your niece should be commended for her honesty, it is important that she learns that there could be bitter consequences to cavalier treatment of adult well-wishers. With Gordon Brown’s new Spite Tax on Family Trusts in mind, for example, you might well have been considering off-loading some funds through a cash drip, but concluded that the Young are so flakey these days that Gordon might as well have your money. Convey these thoughts to a third party and you will soon see a smartening of her attitude.
Q. Like several of my friends, I should be grateful for your advice on the subject of the ‘peace’ in church, when we are urged to shake the hands of everyone within reach and wish them ‘peace’ or ‘peace be with you’. Some fervent people even leave their pews, hurrying round the nave in order to shake hands with nearly everyone else. I have never liked this innovation, which breaks up the structure and rhythm of the Mass. However, it is now an established custom at my parish church. The vicar assures me that the ‘peace’ is voluntary and that I need not feel obliged to shake hands. However, there is a real possibility of offending people by explicitly refusing to do so, especially if that person belongs to an ethnic or other minority. The custom of some French people, which is to bow politely and murmur ‘Monsieur’ or ‘Madame’ to their neighbour without making hand contact, would probably be seen as unBritish and affected. I have therefore reluctantly conformed to my church’s usage. Mary, what should I have done?
Name and address withheld A. Why not make a point of always sitting in the front pew of your church? In this way you cut out at least half of the people who will try to shake your hand. Meanwhile, when the undesirable moment approaches, kneel in contemplative anticipation of the ‘Agnus Dei’. Not only would this be an acceptable acknowledgement of the old liturgy it will also put you hors de combat.
Q. My children are demanding to watch Big Brother (like all their friends). What should I do?
M.W., Wilts A. Why not watch a pre-recorded swear-free daytime version together? In this way you can promote family bonding and ethical values as you discuss the sad plight of the participants and how best they should fill their various vacuums.
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