A letter to my son

PERSONAL COLUMN SIMON RAVEN

MY DEAR BOY,

Very shortly now I must congratulate you on your fifteenth birthday. Fifteen will be a difficult age for you, I think, as it is the age at which you will be refused, for the first time, the indulgence due to a child while also being refused, as yet, the privileges of a man; and it will be more difficult than ever these days, since so many fifteen-year-olds are now being allowed to ape the airs and pleasures of their elders, which can only make you, who will not be granted this licence, confused and jealous.

However, you should understand that in most cases this 'teenage' liberty is merely a brief prelude to lives of inexorable drudgery . . . to the early marriage which proletarian habit dictates, the tenancy of a jerry-built breeding box on a council estate, and the routine performance, for forty years and more, of some wretched manual or clerical task, which will be all the more tedious for the so-called 'technolo- gical' methods of our era. It is precisely in order that you should escape such a fate when you are adult that we shall deny you, in adoles- cence, the trivial freedoms which you may covet in others; for while they are out in the streets and bowling alleys, courting each other (and their own future servitude) over bottles of Coca-Cola, you will be at the carefully chosen school where you will acquire (I hope) the poise of mind and body necessary to one who would pass an adventurous and pleasurable life.

At the same time, it has occurred to me that you may, at your age, think three years more of (relative) confinement a stiff price to pay for a good which is only in prospect; and it is certainly true that schoolmasters, as I remember them, do not do as much as they might to mitigate the rigours of present restriction by a proper explanation of future benefits. Still less do they explain (for these excellent men often have little of the world in them) the elementary principles which ensure the full enjoyment of such benefits. As your father, I am taking it upon me to discharge this office; for you are old enough to understand what I shall say, and you have several years in hand during which you may rehearse, before you come to apply, the rules of life and conduct which now follow.

But first, a word or two about the theory behind these rules. 'The world,' as a celebrated philosopher remarks, 'is all that is the case.' Human conduct, therefore, can only depend on our knowledge of human affairs within the world, and that knowledge only on what we have observed to be true beyond reasonable doubt. Now, the only thing which is true beyond reasonable doubt of humanity in this world is that, as another celebrated philosopher remarks, 'man is born, man suffers, and man dies.' You should not be unduly put out by the word `suffer,' which in this context only means 'has things happen to him'; even so. the maxim is not encouraging. But such as it is, it is all that we can know: anything else is either specula- tion or cant.

And again: if the world is all there is, and if all we can be sure of is that we will spend a limited time in it, then clearly we had best spend that time seeing and enjoying as much of the world as we can in circumstances as pleasant as possible. It is to this end that you are receiv- ing your careful education; and to this end that I lay down the rules of life and conduct to which I now revert.

The first of these, the cornerstone of the entire code, is to ensure your independence, your free- dom to come and go as you please. Since the chief threat to this is posed by those who want power (the natural enemy of independence) you must place yourself beyond their reach. You can do this (even now) if you possess money; but such money you will first have to amass, as I have little to give you, and those who want power will make it increasingly hard for you to do so.

It follows, then, that you should find a continuous means of livelihood which is yet compatible with freedom of movement. My own is one such, but there are few others that are not actively criminal. The best I can do is to suggest that you keep your eye open for those occupations (however precarious) which entail the minimum of supervision with the maximum of travel; and for the rest I must beg you to try for the best academic qualifications you can, as these may help you to the more exciting and 'privileged' kind of work . . . the only kind you want. Of course, it may turn out as time goes on that the only way to achieve indepen- dence of others will be to acquire power your- self; but this possibility has implications which I do not care to consider.

While we are touching on money, remember that it is not your business to pay anyone else's way any more than it is his business to pay yours. So if you must lend money, consider the loan as lost; and if you must get into debt, do it with spirit.

Now, if money is one means to independence, a noteworthy obstacle to it is premature marriage or any serious form of sexual entangle- ment. So let us be very clear about two things: (1) Eschew marriage until you can well afford it in addition to everything else you want. And let us in no case at all have any of that whining, such as we hear from so many pestilential young couples, about its being society's 'duty' to sub- sidise your folly. If you want to set your wife up in a house, then find one first and buy it. Don't put on that pathetic young lover's look and expect someone else to wave a magic wand.

(2) Sex outside marriage is an agreeable (if sometimes overrated) entertainment. If some- body fancies you and you return the compli- ment, then away to the hay-loft and the best of luck. I would go still further : do not, while you are still young and wholesome, neglect any tolerable opportunity which offers in this line (even if you don't feel particularly keen at the moment), or you may live to regret it too late. If I'd known then what I know now, I'd have been far less fastidious than I was (not very). This said, however, do take care lest your erotic interests preclude others more important, for

this condition is as big a curse as marriage.

Always be kind and considerate; but always make it plain, before you start, just what you are offering—which should not be a lifetime of devotion but merely a few hours' diversion. If you feel yourself becoming infatuated, and therefore liable to say more than you really mean and get yourself into trouble, follow Lucretius his bidding: make a deliberate and detailed inspection of the paramour's less appe- tising features, and sanity will soon be restored.

A last word on this subject. Don't get a bastard and don't get poxed, either issue being damnably awkward and both easily avoidable if you make a few simple purchases before you open your breeches. The chemist, remember, comes cheaper than the surgeon.

If you are in full control of yourself both financially and sexually, then you are your own man and pretty well set. However, we should not omit the more important minor matters.

Drink. Don't drink too much before meals, or you won't enjoy them. If you must make a hog of yourself, do it during or after dinner, by which time you will at least have something solid to be sick on.

Gambling. Don't gamble with friends, as it is painful to win from them; but if you have something to spare, by all means risk it in a reputable casino against an anonymous bank or strangers. (Take cash, never your cheque book.) Do your football pools regularly : the outlay is nugatory and you may win a quarter of a million.

Religion. Church of England (if you really must). This is a quiet and decent superstition, as they go, offering a wide choice in decoration and no poisonous enthusiasms.

Politics. It is impossible, as things now run, to side sincerely with either party. Time was when a statesman's province was to secure the country against its enemies without and to main- tain good order within. This was all any rational man required of him. Nowadays, however, politicians whether of left or right (there are no longer any statesmen on either wing) occupy themselves ever more spitefully and deceitfully in escheating the property of those who have the energy and wit to get it in order to feed yet higher the envy of the rest.

The Conservatives are more moderate and certainly less rancorous in their demands than the Socialists; but at bottom both parties are doing much the same thing—fleecing the able to conciliate the feeble. This they do in the name of 'human equality' or 'social justice,' thus seeking to flatter with meaningless phrases (for no two men were ever yet agreed on their meaning) the stupidity and sloth of those whose votes they require in order to exercise their passion for interference . . . at your expense and mine. This brings us back to the whole question of power versus independence. Politicians now demand to lead our very lives for us, and the only way of stopping them is to keep as far out of their way as possible and constantly on the move.

And so we come full circle. Enough for this birthday, I think ... except for one more piece of advice, a propos of nothing at all, but in keeping, perhaps, with the spirit of such festi- vals. Never part in anger. However much some- one you know has annoyed or even injured you, if he is going a long way away you must have him to your table and drink his health: as I shall yours, my dear boy, on this your fifteenth birthday, for which pray accept the fondest good wishes of

YOUR FATHER