Spectator peregrinations

It there is one argument in favour of the Common Market which I have not seen widely canvassed, it is the number of international free-loads available to spongers like myself. I have enjoyed the wines of Tuscany and the pornography of Amsterdam at the expense of unwary foreign taxpayers.

Last week I was in Brussels and Luxembourg at the invitation of the EEC Commission with a party of six legal correspondents trying without much success to understand the legal aspects of the Community. Another reason for going to Brussels was that there is someone there who owes me E50. But when I got on the aeroplane I found that I had left the address behind.

We were taken immediately to the office of George Thomson, Commissioner for Regional policy in the EEC Brussels headquarters, and a briefing with his right-hand man Bob Cox. As a Commissioner Mr Thomson has a top-floor office with five windows — one more than a Director-General — but despite this spaciousness he has only one picture — of the Tay Bridge looking from his home town of Dundee across that vast expanse of water towards Fife. I did not see whether, among his rather technical looking books, he had some poetry by McGonagall but I'm sure the great poet would have admired the fine structure of the EEC's Berleyinont building.

Bowled over

I was still looking at the Tay Bridge picture after this meeting when I heard Mr Cox say to his secretary ."Well, that's that lot done." I sympathise absolutely. My own behaviour was particularly obnoxious. Tired after a good lunch, I actually fell off my chair during one afternoon session. I awoke as a hit the floor and heard the speaker, David Gilmour, a dreary Scottish lawyer, say "That bowled him over."

I was very hopeful at times that Patrick Easton of the Daily Mirror or Dr Hermann of the Financial Times might fall asleep during these afternoon sessions. But they had a way, just as their eyes were rolling, of pulling themselves together and asking intelligent questions.

Two of the most entertaining speakers were Donald Allen and George Close. Allen particularly liked a phrase "conjunctural policy" and Close actually admitted "I'm sorry we talk a sort of Chinese here." There were a number of obscure points which he found "quite engaging intellectually."

When I suggested to Mr Close that bureaucracy would run riot if highly-trained articulate law-makers found complex situations too stimulating he said "It's much better to enjoy complexities than to hate them. We have a chance here to create a new state without wars. or revolutions — just intellectual exercise."

Mrs T arrives

After two days in Brussels, a sort of extension to Oxbridge, I was exhausted by legal intellectual exercise and, on my arrival in Luxembourg, went to the Parliament instead of going. to see the court in session.

Here I found Peter Kirk, Leader of the British

Parliamentary delegation, waiting on the steps for Mrs Thatcher to arrive. It was her first visit to Luxembourg but I was impressed by the speed at which she climbed those steps: reaching the top before Peter Kirk and leaving cameramen and reporters trailing like Keystone Cops as she got into the lift.

About ten photographers ran up to the first floor before realising that she had gone to the second but they somehow arrived in the public gallery of the assembly before she did. When she sat down on the far side of Mr Kirk the cameramen disappeared as quickly as they had arrived and popped up moments later at the other end of the gallery. Then they were gone again only to sprout again on the balcony opposite. One of them was clicking away on the floor in front of the speaker.

Mrs Thatcher, not wanting to ruffle her hair, was having trouble with the interpreters headphones and arranged them somehow round her neck. When she bravely put them over her head rearranging her hair the cameramen had to come back again and start photographing from behind. The sad fact is that it made no difference. Mrs Thatcher's thatch is not too good at the back anyway.

The delegates were remarkably undisturbed by this performance and only looked up from their papers when the speaker officially welcomed her. When she was seeing M. Ortoli, Sir Christopher Soames and the other Commissioners I was on my way over to the European Court opposite to find my legal colleagues, getting my feet wet in the long grass on the way.

Present at court

If the scene in the parliament building was like the Keystone Cops, the European Court was more like M. Hulot. I got very lost in this futuristic building and had difficulty explaining that I was looking for six English legal writers who were interested in the workings of the Court. With difficulty in bad French I explained the situation to a senior usher wearing tails —•

and learned that he was Mr Brown, formerly of Southend Crown Court. He showed me into the main court room where I watched the proceeding S for some time before realising that the others were not there. There were ten judges with purple robes and white cravats conducting a very civilised debate in a very comfortable square court room with magnificent modern paintings. One thing I don't understand about EEC law is that there are very few signs of guilty men or of effective punishments. If it gets beyond an academic discussion political decisions have to be made.

As I was the only non-participant in the room, a girl in the gallery was signalling to ask if I wanted an English translation in my headphones. I thought she was soliciting. I met up with my colleagues in time for lunch with Lord Mackenzie-Stuart. Then back to the Parliament building for Mrs Thatcher's press conference. Although this was her chance to proclaim her life-long commitment to Europe, she seemed more interested in dispatching difficult questioners. When asked, "Do you think it helps, when negotiating, to be a woman?" she replied, "I don't know. I've never been anything else." I felt that she could have done with the blustering figure of Sir Christopher Soames to keep things spinning along. The last I saw of Mrs Thatcher was at Luxembourg airport. She was carrying a plastic bag from the duty-free shop across the tarmac to her plane. I'm glad to see she's not a tax expert and housewife for nothing.

Baker and fans

Richard Baker, the BBC newsreader, made a lively speech at last Thursday's Foyles lunch to launch his book The Magic of Music. And he delighted his exuberantly hatted elderly female fans who packed the ballroom at the Dorchester by introducing them to all their favourite people: Moura Lympany, Roy Plomley, Eamonn Andrews, Joseph Cooper, the Brazilian Ambassador, Dame Eva Turner, Sir Robert Mayer, Gordon Honeycombe and Steve Race. But he failed to raise a smile from one person sitting five places down on his left at the top table — his mother. She must find the Nine o'Clock news even gloomier than the rest of us do.

Celebrations

While Cambodia and Vietnam were celebrating their first May Day under Communist rule, the Hungarians were holding the thirtieth anniversary of their 'liberations' celebration at their embassy in Eaton Place last week. Puzzled that his country should excite such world-wide interest, the ambassador, Mr Hazi, asked if it could be anything to do with "the peculiar events of 1956."

Beetling around

A friend who is doing top-secret government research writes from the Dung Beetle Research Unit in Pretoria. "I think I've got the hang of the dung beetle now." He is investigating for the Australians who have nothing that can compare with the elephant dung consumption of these South African insects. But they are worried about the unforeseeable damage they might do — after a pair of earwigs stepped ashore many years ago. My advice is just let them go. It would save a lot of unpleasant work.

Chilli con came?

The Anglo-Chilean Society have been fairly miserable since the first days of Allende. So it would probably take the proverbial small earthquake to make one of their parties exciting. I found two Lloyd's brokers in Belgrave Square wonder how they could make the rest of the evening more entertaining for two Chilean visitors after an Anglo-Chilean gathering. "Shall we wine then and dine them or take them out on the tiles?" said one. "I think we should just take them out and eat them," said the other.

Peregrine