Home life
Ringing tones
Alice Thomas Ellis
lfie was in his sister Marion's house the other day when the telephone raug.; Ooh,' she cried, jumping a foot in the and dropping a plate. 'You answer It' Alfie."Hullo,' said Alfie, and the othedr person asked how long the sessions last and .what they cost. 'Pardon?' said Alfie M. anon said the phone had hardly stopPeu, rtnging all day and half the male poPula,
A
!ion of London seemed to be under , t, impression that she offered specialise't massage at a reasonable rate. It turned °Ijc, that the printers had inadvertently treill.'11 posed two telephone numbers in an a° 4 the local paper and this was the res.1.1;,,, I rather hate the telephone, especial the new sort which makes an awful kin° chirrup like a demented bird. I can nevew think what on earth it is when it sudden" starts cheeping, and it is maddening when You bother to answer it only to find that you have a lunatic on the other end who maintains a determined and — inevitably — rather threatening silence. Dirty phone calls are unpleasant but at least you have some vague idea of the maniac's motives. I Can see no rhyme or reason in ringing somebody's number in order not to say anything. Is it burglars? I am also irritated When the man who tells you the time goes on to say what watch he's telling it you by. really don't want to know that. All I want Is the correct time, unadorned. I am in two minds about the telephone actually. It does save one from having to write letters and enables one to talk at length to one's friends but, being temperamentally in- clined towards pessimism, I always fear that when I answer it I shall find myself speaking to somebody who wants money or to invite me to the opera. Crossed lines seem less frequent than they used to be, and on the whole I'm rather sorry. I know it is disgusting to eavesdrop but I have gained some useful Insights into human nature by dint of the crossed line, not least into its stupidity. A lady once rang the number she wanted and got us. We told her she'd got it wrong and She rang off. Then she tried again and got us again. This went on for longer than you ould believe and she, she, got very angry. 11°A', listen,' she said at about the 31st Ling. 'I've asked my friend to step into the boxand watch the number I'm dialling, and this is it.' Nothing we said could e°11vince her that this was immaterial, that Whoever it was she wanted she was getting US, and we weren't them. She was nearly speechless with fury by the end of the day. , Then I once cut in on an assignation. A la, dY was saying rather winsomely that she thought she might find herself in a certain spot on a certain evening and she'd have her overnight bag with her. The gentleman to whom she spoke received this intelli- kge. nee with equanimity — I put it no 'Igher, he was not breathless with excite- ment. Then she remarked that his kiddies wrere home early, she could hear them in the .background, and there was a rather terrible hush. 'Those are your kiddies,' he 'tittered at last. 'Mine are still at school.' At h. is there was another moment's appalled silen. ce and then both parties hung up with a simultaneous crash. The kiddies who were screeching in the background were 1,111111e, the party of the third part. I felt I ad put an end to a clearly unpromising adulterous liaison, and less guilty than I s,bould have done. I also felt sorry that I iri,adn't thought to claim to be the voice of °d just reminding them of the seventh Mmandment. It must be marvellous fun king people off when they don't know ,ere you are, concealed in the mists of alount Sinai. :rile telephone is bound to ring again in a ',Mnute and I'm wondering what I'll say if s God.
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