DIARY OF A NOTTING HILL NOBODY
MONDAY Hooray! Britain is going Conservative crazy!! The sun is shining and all over the country people are waking up to the exciting new force in British politics!!!
Actually, I haven’t really woken up. Am still hungover from the Boris victory party. Have champagne headache, cigar sore throat and strange blotches all over my left leg which I seem to remember involved an accident with an ice sculpture.
Also think may have had row later in the evening at after-party party with horrid lefty columnist (why does Dave insist on inviting them?) who dared to claim we were ‘The Same Old Tories’. Assured him there was nothing ‘the same’ about me. Think that was when I fell off my Jimmy Choos the second time.
Thankfully everyone is on a day off today. Not that we haven’t got lots to do, preparing for government. But there’s plenty of time for that later on in the week. Am going to take Sesame out for a nice hack across Conservative-run Wibberley Common (Tory gain from NOC!) TUESDAY The office is a madhouse. Jed says if we don’t calm down he’s going to have to bring in ‘Adrenaline Control Measures’. This could mean cappuccino restrictions and/or mandatory periods in the Tranquillity Room reading Mr Maude’s ‘delivery’ forecasts. Was glad to get out to our monthly press conference.
Dave did brilliantly, explaining what he intends to do when he takes over. How he has an incredibly clear idea about what he wants to achieve and a real sense of focus. But because he can’t do everything at once, he’s got to concentrate on what he thinks is most important and that may mean putting off difficult decisions, e.g. about 10p tax, and not allowing himself to be blown off course by people wanting him to say what he’s going to do. All the cleverclog hacks had no answer to this and just stared at him in stunned silence. He really is a superstar.
WEDNESDAY Bev from Labour rang again to ask for a job! Said couple of her friends at Labour HQ also keen. Took a firm line. Frankly, there was a time when beggars couldn’t be choosers, but not now. We don’t need their sort in the modern, inclusive Conservative party that wins elections. Nor do we need to be nice to hacks. A couple of them rang asking for Boris interviews and I told them to sling their hook. The Mayor will talk when we’re ready. I mean, when he’s ready.
Meanwhile Jed called me in to tell me he really liked my work on the Boris campaign and is putting me in charge of merchandising for Dave 2010! He wants mugs, cardboard statues, tea towels, everything! I can’t wait to tell Mummy so we can get started. Our kitchen is turning into quite the cottage PR industry.
THURSDAY Another by-election planning meeting. That’s 15 this week by my count. V disturbed to discover that Labour candidate in Crewe and Nantwich is called Tamsin, though thankfully with an s. Also intrigued to hear she is the former MP’s daughter. This is strange as had assumed that sort of thing was a Conservative idea. Anyway, they can select who they like, she’s not going to win.
Speaking of by-elections, wonder if I should put my name forward for Henley? My pitch would be that if Labour are doing nepotism now, we should be different. And as someone with no connections and no friends in high places — except Aunt Miriam who’s regional chair of the Pony Club — I could be the perfect candidate....
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