DIARY OF A MOWING HILL NOBODY
MONDAY Whisked to Oxfordshire with Jed and Wonky Tom as part of Queen's Speech preparation team! Spent whole day in outer inner sanctum!! Dave was in kitchen with his River Cottage apron on making slow-roast organic pork sandwiches when we arrived. If only people could see him like this, we would definitely win the next election. (Actually, Bonny from events was filming with the hand-held, so I guess people will see it at some point, luckily!) There were so many issues to cover we split into sub-groups. I was on 'Gordon Small Talk' committee. Dave v worried about what to say on the long walk across central lobby to the House of Lords. After three sarnies (yummy!) finally came up with some killer lines that will have the two of them chatting like old chums in no time. Dave and Jed took charge of the main business — what Sam should wear — while Sam and a couple of her girlfriends went upstairs to do a bit of writing for his Queen's Speech response. After a lot of hard work, they finally got it down to two options, the Ralph Lauren twopiece, versus the Vera Wang dress. Sam didn't seem a bit bothered herself. At one point she absolutely yelled down the stairs: 'Can you keep the noise down, please? I'm trying to rewrite the section on counter-terrorism — it's a complete dog's breakfast!' Before long, it was time for Dave to change into his DJ for the big Conservative Way Forward dinner. He was extremely irritable. 'It's easy for you lot. Now I've got to go and be rightwing, and make jokes about Lithuanians.' Hope no one tells him Tom and I were meant to be thinking some up, but didn't have time.
TUESDAY Can't believe it. Dave and Gordon Small Talk did not go well. According to the debriefing note it was slow car crash: Did you see EastEnders last night?' No."Have you heard the new PJ Harvey album?' No."Going anywhere nice this Christmas?' No."Booked your summer holiday yet?' No.' Then after a long silence Gordon said: 'How's your rightof-centre political party?' To which Dave said 'Fine, thank you.' And that was that. Now there's an inquest. Jed furious. Told me I should go and work in a hairdresser's, which is just silly. I can't even cut Sesame's tail straight. He's put me on Enoch Management. I have to sift post and put all the letters saying he was right into the recycling bin. (Why 'piccaninny'? What does sandwich pickle have to do with racism?) Mrs Spelperson making such a fuss still Faffing about whether we've failed in our duty of care to the 'compassionately challenged' wing of the party. 'They have feelings too, you know.' Jed says she takes this whole party chairman thing way too seriously sometimes.
WEDNESDAY Tired of Queen's Speech debating. In fact am feeling a bit jaded all round. Think I need a change of scene. Wonder if should go for Mr Hastilow's seat? I know it's up north (somewhere called Halesowen) but was reading Louise Bagshawe's article about being candidate in Corby and she seems to be having a super time! Says up north is just like the Cotswolds, only cheaper. There are nice shops and delis and everything. This could be just the change of lifestyle I need.
THURSDAY Well, I've done it. I took my letter and photo (me getting a clear round at the Wibberley Horse of the Year Show!) to Mrs Spelperson's desk. I've also put a copy outside Lord As office, seeing as it's his money I'll be spending. I expect they'll get back to me this afternoon. Later: Nothing yet. Wonder if should have said something about sandwich pickle?
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