COMPETITION Comic and curious

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 1748 you were asked for a comic and curious poem with one of the three following titles: 'I Dunno', `Jargon-Jingle', 'Galoshes'.

I sometimes think I'd rather crow And be a rooster than to roost And be a crow. But I dunno.

A rooster he can roost also, Which don't seem fair when crows can't crow, Which may help some. Still I dunno.

Crows should be glad of one thing though; Nobody thinks of eating crow, While roosters they are good enough For anyone unless they're tough.

There's lots of tough old roosters though, And anyway a crow can't crow, So mebbe roosters stand more show. It looks that way. But I dunno.

That's the `I Dunno' from the Penguin Book of Comic and Curious Verse, which Mike Morrison, this week's whisky-winner (Aberlour Single Malt), obviously knows. I have never had such a difficult, dithering time choosing the money-winners, who are printed below and get £20 each. Condolences to half a dozen competitors whose entries were attractive enough to have won in an average week.

That poet guy — you know, the one

Who thinks he's Donne but he's Anon Says how he'd like to be a crow.

Or was it rooster? I dunno.

Now me, I love the country scenes, Big places, like in magazines. Just name the day and watch me go! Today? You mean that? 1 dunno I'd fly to Mars, I really would Except I'd miss this neighbourhood; It isn't Bel-Air, but, you know, It has a kinda, I dunno My old man moved to Michigan, Just couldn't wait to fish again. My roots are here, in Idaho, Or is this Kansas? I dunno. (Mike Morrison) This is the strange tale of Richard Roe Who suddenly couldn't stop saying 'I dunno', Nor answer the simplest questions for a moment Without being seized by galloping Idunnoment; His wife and friends thought it simply woeful For an educated chap to be so Idunnoful, So he went to see a specialist, whose diagnosis Was, `Ah yes, a clear case of Idunnosis; Just take these pills and drink this potion And we'll soon put a stop to your Idunnotion.' `Oh, thank you,' said Richard. 'Already I feel good To be free from the crushing burden of Idunnohood! I shall go down in history as the man who showed 'em There's no need to be a martyr to Idunnodom; Instead, my cerebral juices once more flowin', can retire in knowledgeable peace to Dunldunnoin.' (Philip Dacre)

We have them from the French galoches -

The wooden spats that peasants wore.

They're neither practical'nor posh, Those rubber overshoes of yore.

They give the image of a nerd Who's scared to get his tootsies damp.

They're naff and passé, but the word Is that they may be this year's camp.

Imagine Jean-Paul Gaultier - He plans a startling fashion coup.

What oddity of yesterday

Can he revive, this sacre fou?

Galoshes. Yes. The very thing—

In white, in gold, in green, in rose, In satin, metal, leather, string -

And plus ca change, the saying goes.

(Basil Ransome-Davies) We integrate, motivate, cooperate, innovate, correlate, accommodate, arbitrate, inaugurate, formulate, coordinate, predicate, facilitate, advocate and catenate.

What's educate? (R.J. Pickles) Bears are selling long gilts short.

Stags `do' each flotation.

Bulls buy shares so they're not caught Unhedged against inflation.

Voting or non-voting shares, Convertibles or scrip; Participating preference shares They all could prove a snip.

Are you into arbitrage? Do you dance contango? Unit trusts at every stage Remind you down they can go!

Sterling spot and forward rates - What it will cost to borrow To pay what one anticipates Will be the price tomorrow. (F.D. Gardiner)

No. 1751: Story of the limericks

Ten years ago I set this competition, and it deserves a re-run. You are invited to write a narrative poem in the form of three lim- ericks. Entries to 'Competition No. 1751' by 23 October.