COMPETITION

Bucking up Bucks

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 1466 yoUwere asked to imagine a scheme for promoting 'self- esteem' among the inhabitants of a British county and to provide an extract from literature issued by the authorities explain- ing their programme.

Does anyone these days feel much loyal- ty or affection for the county they live in — except for Yorkshire folk, who are lucky enough to have a cricket team which is properly representative? It seems incredi- ble that once upon a time the youthful heart of a schoolboy born 20 miles from Hyde Park Corner fluttered fervently for Surrey (0 my Fishlock and my Gregory long ago!). Now, for the speeder west- ward, one county blurs into another and the same `Archerese' can be heard from Andover to St Austell. What does it matter what we call them?

Your efforts to put the 'heart' back into Hertfordshire, intensify the 'sex' in Mid- dlesex and strengthen the local 'links' in Lincolnshire, in general to help people, as the Californians put it, 'more positively mainstream into life', tended to be, on the one hand, listless and, on the other, frenzied. It may have been an ill-set competition; it was certainly a below- average entry both in numbers and quality. The winners below are awarded £12 each, and the bonus bottle of gin, the gift of Mr William Topham, goes to D. A. Prince.

Do you regard your home merely as a place to commute from? Is it just a garage for the BMW? A base for your main telephone?

Have you put down real roots — or suckers?

Be a Berk is the Berkshire-boosting campaign countering the belief that Berkshire is no more than a bit of Green Belt bordering the M4. The county that re-organised its boundaries, that swopped the White Horse for Slough, now offers a consciousness-raising programme to give you local identity.

Bracknell gives Britain its weather (via the Meteorological Office) and Oscar Wilde the name of his best character; Bray redefined the Vicar's role; if you fancy a Cruise, there's always Greenham. And remember our reputation for pigs. We've exhibitions, competitions, excursions. Only the right people can afford to live here, so you're in good company.

Join us, so that you can say, -I'm a Berk, and,

proud of it.' (D. A. Prince)

Those with hidden musical talent will be keen to enter our super song-writing competition! Simply write a song whose title romanticallY incorporates an East Sussex place name: 24 Hours from Eastbourne, for instance, or I Left my Heart in Herstmonceaux.

— An undeserved blot on East Sussex's reputa- tion has always been the frequency of suicide leaps from beautiful Beachy Head. So we hope you will support our Say No to Suicide cam- paign. Thousands of badges, cat-stickers and beermats Will be distributed displaying wittY uplifting slogans like You Never Feel Down on the Downs and Brighton Up Your Day!

— Let's get the East Sussexmen and women of the future involved in their heritage! We announce an essay-writing competition for schools; the subjects are: i) East Sussex: comucoPia of delights.

ii) Hurrah for Hasting! or Bravo Bexhill! iii) Why I'm glad I live in the Prosperous South. (Peter Norman)

Hand-selected yogin flown in from the Hima- layas are now available in all Town Halls to Put

recruits sent by their GPs under deep hypnosis. There is no doubt that English diffidence and inability to sell ourselves, as Mrs Thatcher has noted, has become a national psychosis. In Lancashire a staggering one in two of the Population suffers from a crippling inferiority complex. But Oriental techniques can now bring happiness and new outward-looking lives to Westerners trapped in self-undervaluation. After deep hypnosis one 19-year-old Accrington Youth who never went out because of bad breath Opened his own hoopla stall at Blackpool; a housewife housebound for 30 years in Bolton became a lollipop lady; and an elderly bachelor farmer in the Fylde killed his first bull in Spain and married a 20-year-old French heiress.

(George Moor) We're all too familiar with the popular image of Surrey: brainless gin-sodden wrecks on the golf-course, money-crazed stockbrokers wiling- eing about the laziness of the unemployed, uPper-class fascists in their BMWs. . . .

But why let it get you down? Think positive. Think superior. There's no need for guilt or Shame. Maybe too many of us spend our time feeling anxious or defensive. Bemoaning the cost of our children's expensive education. Writing letters to the Telegraph about the high rate of income tax.

Forget it. Like the man said, never apologise, never explain. So next time you throw up after a Champagne dinner or run over a kid from a

council estate, don't bother with excuses. Just remember: if God had meant us all to be equal, he wouldn't have created Surrey. (Or Merseyside!) Bottoms up! (Basil Ransome-Davies)

Essex residents, tired of being told that their beloved county is flat, suburban and uninterest- ing, may find it difficult to raise the enthusiasm to defend their homes or themselves. Therefore it is necessary to instil county and personal pride, and for this purpose the ESSEX ELEVATION EXERCISE has been inaugurated.

The time has come for Essex people to hold their heads high, climb every hillock, overlook every new town housing estate, and gain a superior view of themselves and their environ- ment.

The Exercise will consist of lectures on tourist attraction (by means of historic sites, projected and existent entertainment centres), self- improvement (by means of projected and exis- tent sports centres and swimming pools), and self-projection (by means of publicity stunts and advertising to attract the media).

In addition, a competition will be held to find a new vibrant County Song, which will eventual- ly be recorded by an international artiste.

Remember: Essex is IT! (Katie Mallett) Among the special events are many associated with the County's culinary heritage. Hotels, restaurants and cafes — all have undertaken to feature items from the County's unique cuisine — Lancashire hot-pot, tripe and onions, fish and chips, cowheel pie, lobscouse, black pudding and many, many others. A highlight may well be the International Cookery final at Blackpool's Hotel Albion, when a dozen top-line chefs will compete for the Pies and Mushy Peas Trophy. Famous landmarks will be illuminated, including the Blackpool Tower, Wigan Pier, the Birth- place of Gracie Fields, and Cyril Smith. At Lancaster University, Sir John Gielgud will give a special recital of all the monologues of Stanley Holloway. At Rochdale, HM the Queen, who is also the Duke of Lancaster, will open a Gracie Fields exhibition and cut a cake in the shape of 'the Biggest Aspidistra in the World'.

(E. 0. Parrott)