High life
Age concern
Talu
BRougemont
ob Hope defined old age as the time when the candles cost more than the cake. This Saturday I hit 65, and I've cancelled the cake. In fact, like Henny Youngman's grandmother, I might be turning 65 but I still don't need glasses. I drink straight out of the bottle. This is the bad news. The good is that Carol Iannone, a writer for Taki's Top Drawer, had this to say in last week's New York Press: 'Ironically, the attraction of young women to older and often married men may actually be a misguided attempt to capture some degree of this male-female complementariness. Women have always had a tendency to be drawn to men significantly older than themselves, of course, as attested to by certain famous literary couples such as Emma and Mr Knightley, Kitty and Levin, Scarlett and Rhett.' (Whoa, Carol, the poor little Greek boy as Rhett? Why even the saintly Ashley would double over on that one.) She goes on to say that the age gap is widening to an alarming degree. Young women now go out with men old enough to be their fathers and grandfathers. Which, as I said, is the best news since Bill Clinton caught the clap. 'What was once a joke in mediaeval literature is becoming more common in the late modern era.' Hooray for the modern era! For the last couple of decades boys have been brainwashed not to grow to become men, but to become women, ergo the need for the gentlemanly macho type. What self-respecting lady — and I do not include 'It' girls — would ever be seen dead with some man wearing a baseball cap backwards and looking androgynous at best? Take my word for it. Women do not like to be free and, always according to Carol Iannone, 'to engage in unimpeded self-definition'.
This is where I and others of my ilk come in. My purpose in life is to give a young woman a true sense of worth based on the fulfilment of her nature. The important part is not to play young. Take for example the recent marriage of Nixon Doorman, a man whose chief affairs are buying stocks and selling shares (with apologies to Hilaire Belloc) to Jackie Lane's little girl, 33 years younger than the arthritic groom. The age difference is a mere bagatelle. What's wrong is that Nixon Doorman dyes his hair, a sign of desperation if ever I came across one. My advice to oldies is: keep it white, keep it clean, keep it uncovered. Mix with her age group as well as your own. Do not buy a two-seater convertible, do not go for a honeymoon on the Riviera (the place is full of rich old men and poor young women, and they'll mistake her for a whore) and for God's sake do not get angry when people compliment you for having such a nice daughter, or granddaughter, as may be the case. Always act like the Sicilian widower who at 98 married a 21-year-old, and told his outraged grandchildren who warned him about death, 'If she dies, she dies.'
One month or so ago I went to a dinner party and ran into Georgina Rylance, 25, beautiful, intelligent, extremely well-read, and with a tiny scar on her knee. My opening line was that it's the imperfections in a girl that make her attractive. We got along fine until I asked her to come up and see me sometime. come right now,' she said, and my heart leaped. It was 2.30 in the morning. 'But can I bring my sister?' We had a platonic lunch a couple of days later, and I'm still pining. Georgie Rylance is a hell of a girl. No 'It' publicity-seeking dummy. She set up Palimpsest Productions all on her own, is appearing in her company's first production of Alpha Beta at this year's Edinburgh Festival, and has a part in the new Nigel Havers series Manchild — 'Otherwise, I'd come on your boat and to your birthday party.'
Oh well, perhaps I'll take her with me to Cuba this autumn, when I go to interview Fidel about women, something the Greek ambassador assures me is a done deal. But I don't trust that old lecher. He might just put her in his harem, and goodbye Taki. So, no cake on Saturday, lotsa booze but not too many loose women (my family is here and they tend to throw water and alcoholic drinks on pretty young things who befriend me) but good music and many old friends. Next week I will tell you all about it, and also about time. Did you know that had I been born one trillion seconds ago, I would now be 31.001 years old? Almost as old as Nixon Doorman.
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