iiJ )j1 Jlikj *j.Ji)11/ Dear Maly Q. My future son-in-law
likes nothing more than to tease me. He recently purchased a garden gnome for the garden at his country pile and when visitors look at it askance, he claims that I was the donor so he cannot remove it. Should I feel pleased to be the supposed donor of a retro chic item or should I seek revenge by giving the gnome a Facebook page where he tells tall tales from the garden?
M d B., London SW11 A. This prank is too harmless to be viewed as passive-aggressive and it would be inappropriate to rise to the bait. Instead, tell commentators that you are delighted by the tease because you see it as the hallmark of a very healthy relationship between in-laws to be. 'Isn't it marvellous that he should want to tease me!' you can gloat. Q. I have asked 50 people to an outdoor lunch party and only 20 have replied. It is now only a fortnight away. How can I politely give them a nag? I am very anxious to know about numbers for catering and I also have a B-list so I need to know pretty quickly. I suspect they are thinking they will just turn up if it's fine and stay at home if it's not — but though I do have room inside, it might be a bit squashed should all 50 turn up. What should I do?
Name and address withheld A. The non-responders have behaved badly but the objective of your party is, presumably, to make other people happy. With this in mind you do not want to tinge guests' anticipation of the day with a sense of guilt that they had to be chased before giving their reply. Therefore you should launder your irritation through a third party. This person can ring the 30 offenders speaking in non-reproachful, cheery tones to announce herself as one of the caterers and ask whether she can count them as a 'yes'. While so doing she can also assure them that the event is not weather dependent. Q. I have very pale skin and have to use an especially expensive and difficult to find sun cream. Twice this summer I have found my supply being exhausted in a couple of days. The problem is that when you are lying by a pool, chatting with people and having a blissful time and they ask can they borrow some cream because they can't find their own or they are too lazy to go back to their room, it seems wrong to spoil the happy atmosphere by saying no. How can one politely refuse without appearing to be really childish and spoiling the happy poolside atmosphere?
A.B., West Lothian A. You should decant your cream, in the privacy of your room, into a tiny bottle each day. Take this to the pool. When other guests ask whether you have any suncream show them the tiny receptacle and croon pleasantly, 'Only a few mls I'm afraid. I decanted it before getting on the plane in case there was any problem with security about liquids. But please do, I insist, finish it.' It is unlikely they will take you up on your offer.
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