No. 1245: The winners
Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked for an extract from a BBC or ITV weather report in the more colourful, 'swinging' style of the future.
Metaphorically taking the wet out of weather proved as hard a task as it would be literally. On your screens the relatively sober face of Fish was replaced by grimac- ing, garrulous comics, a Father Christmas with a line in baby-talk Match out there, Scotland! The wicked Weather Witch is sending a depression Your way, so stock up on those paper hankies!'), various stripp- ing, writhing or oddly dressed Weather- women ('And if you're into rubber too, now is the time for you to come out of the closet in all parts of the British Isles') and a jocular Zoomerzet rustic ('Soon's a-coom oop glorious from Border to Darset, and promises stayin' till missus's clearin' away tea'). It was a hard business trying to give points for the embarrassingly bad jokes I had invited, but I've done my best. Honourable mentions go to John Digby and Ron Jowker, f10 goes to each of the
prize-winners printed below, and Pedro Domecq's bonus bottle of Carlos HI Selected Brandy goes to Peter Norman for his bizarre transformation of Mr Fish.
stroboscopic tartan tuxedo. He sings, flatly.) wet dace — and lots of wet days are what we're in stormy weather. ... ' Hi, weather buffs, and welcome to the Mike Fish Forecast — five minutes of melody and meteorological madness! fish with Willie Whitelaw? No? Lots and lots of cries of 'Shame'? Never mind. Look in tomor- row night, when my special guests are Peter Snow, Gerald Flood and Hurricane Higgins! and exits, to the tune of 'Raindrops Keep Falling (A piano tinkles. Enter our presenter, in 'Don't know why, there s no sun up in the sky, Listen, what do you get if you cross a coarse river for, I'm afraid, so I shan't be singing 'The Sun Has Got His Hat On' this evening. Do I hear (A bicycle is wheeled in by a smirking, sequinned bathing beauty. He performs a handstand on it On My Head'.) (Peter Norman) Hi! Raine Day here, your mellifluous .
meteorological madam (cries of '000h!') who doesn't know ... whether .. (laughter) you can see what's in store from our wacky satellite pie! The answer? Cloud! (Applause.) And tonight's cloud was sent in by Bridlington's Ethel Noakes. Here goes. (Produces wet sponge, sur- rounded in cotton wool, flings at map.) Wow! (Sponge sticks on Shetlands; laughter.) Thanks, Ethel! Now if we prod old Cloudy (prod) we'll see floods gradually moving down over the Grampians (water dribbles down) . . . the Gor- bals .... until (whisks out hair-drier, points it) warm winds move the water over the North Sea. That's really wet! Elsewhere it's fine intervals, except in Wales where there'll be (hurls custard at chart; it lands offscreen) . .. mist! (Loud laughter.) . . Finally, bad news for the Annual Poultry Fair at Taunton tomorrow, because ....
wait for it, wait for it it'll be raining cats and dogs! (Hysterical laughter.) (Belle R. Welling) Signature tune: `Singin' in the Rain'.
Hello, folks, this is your friendly weather- person. See that bundle of cotton-wool over Dover? It means a nil outlook for the South-East with fog pouring in from the Channel. Surprise, surprise, a deep depression is settling over the Orkneys, but they'll be OK in the Scilly Islands, where westerly winds are hotting up the Gulf Stream. Now here's an anti-cyclone buzzing around over Normandy. That's a goodie and with luck it will fly the flag and land in Cornwall. Those streaky bits are patches of mist in the Mendips, and there'll be scattered showers in the Midlands. Not to worry, ladies, it's good for your complexions. In Scotland, the air's like champagne over Gleneagles and a darn sight cheaper.
Tonight's quiz: How many isobars make up a ridge of high pressure? First prize, a new brolly. (Desmond)
OK, youse clouds guys, this is where you get yours. if yo'know what's good for youse yo'all gonna run outa town tomorrow or yo'gonna regret it, on account o' the Sunshine Rays Gang headin' this way. Come ten in the morning, mebbe eleven, they gonna reach the Smoke, start puttin' it on all the people there. The temperature is goin' right up, perhaps reach the ton, who knows? Sunshine's boys be in Town two, three days, during when a certain D. Pres- sion headin' fo' Europe if he values his hide, likewise his moll with the warm front.
That all covers London — rest of the country gettin' pretty much what's comin' to it, for a few days. After that the rain men movin' in all over, so yo'all best put the gamp into the fiddle-case with the gat. You want protection, don't youse?
(J. C. Causer) Hi, folks! Or should I say Anticyclone folks? Because up in the far north they're really sweating it out. It's this great big, hot high pressure that's swung in from the Azores — and there's nothing as hot as the Azores! — that's causing you Shetlanders to go for the oil — sun- tan oil that is!
But it's not going to stay all shiny because here's the lovely Anthea with the little fluffy white bits that by the weekend will be tipping the rain all over the cricket and the tennis and the picnics, but keeping you indoors watching 'Weather Or Not' with yours truly!
I can tell you it'll be windy — so go easy with the F-Plan diet! — and generally warm. Your guesses of the Saturday midday temperatures on a postcard please to this week's 'Fahrenheit Flut- ters'.
Keep cool, folks! (Simon Marquis)
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