IN COMPETITION NO. 1808 you were invited to write clerihews

about any well- known contemporary figures.

You launched nearly 400 of them at my funny bone, and 18 were dead on target. (I pause only to mention how odd it was that four of you chose to rhyme 'Bottomley' with 'lobotomy'.) So the 18, who are printed below, get £6 each, and the bonus bottle of Drummond's Pure Malt Scotch whisky goes to Kit Heneville for his neat little shocker.

David Banks Deserves our thanks For ensuring that you and I Can see nipples and Di. (Kit Heneville)

COMPETITION

Clerihews

Jaspistos

We hope that Mandela and de Klerk Are doing a thorough job of work, But we're still more than a trifle hazy About their plans for Buthelezi. (Michael Birt) Lord Longford, formerly Frank Pakenham, Showed little resentment at any attack on him, But he was distressed when people spoke of Myra Hindley Unkindly. (M.R, Macintyre) When Carlo-Maria Giulini Was teeny-weeny

His parents were not quite sure:

Hence the nomenclature. (Paul Griffin) Is Michael Jackson Anglo-Saxon?

It would be easier to tell If he didn't always look so unwell. (J.M.L. Harris) Cynthia Payne Was eager to explain How gentlemen of leisure Resort to Payne for pleasure. (Colin Sydenhani) Kenneth Clarke Thinks life is rather a lark.

The Ministerial Statement on his face is: 'I'd rather be at the races.' (lain Morley) The paintings of Lucian Freud Leave one underjoyed.

He should draw on inner resources And do more children and horses. (Noel Petty) On the subject of foreign affairs, Douglas Hurd Dismisses as absurd Any suggestion of John Cunningham Running 'em. (Geoffrey Riley) Germaine Greer Cannot disguise a sneer For people like me Who have to stand up when they pee. (Vernon Gibberd) The Reverend Ian Paisley Often rants crazily About the Pope, but admits To a sneaking admiration for Jesuits. (Hazel Sweetman) Ted Hughes Seldom finds time to amuse.

Who cares?

We've always got Pam Ayres.

(Stanley J. Sharpless) John Selwyn Gummer Said, 'Phew! What a summer!

The ordination of women'll Go down as criminal.' (Michael Lee) Julie Burchill Would like to be Winston Churchill.

She treats every book review like the Battle of Britain, But underneath it all, 1 reckon she's rather a kitten. (George Simmers) Jeffrey Bernard Takes it rather hard When people say, 'You're not as good as the play.' (Peter Veale) Would Joseph Mallord William Turner, RA, Happily give away His eponymous prize To bricks of unequal size? (J. Gill) Ian McEwan Seems happy just doin' what he's doin', Unlike, say, Martin Amis, Now strenuously famous. (Mike Morrison) Archbishop Carey Must needs be wary Of an Established Church that caters For women in gaiters. (Elizabeth Murphy)