COMPETITION
Ibsen's Brand
Jaspistos
IN COMPETITION NO. 2114 you were asked for some advertising copy ingenious- ly and incongruously linking an imaginary product with a famous name in the arts.
Botticelli made his presence so strongly felt that I was reminded of the 19th-century Punch cartoon which shows two clerks on a swanky spree together in the West End. One hisses to the other so the waiter can't hear, `No, you juggins, Botticelli's not a wine, it's a cheese!' My own actual Rembrandt toothpaste (the only brand that adds that extra chiaroscuro?) was made to look relatively banal beside your Wordsworth cuckoo clock, Emilybee bracelets for reducing tension, Chekhov galoshes, Kerouac's full-strength laxative (`gets you moving again') and Elgar lager (`you'll feel bound to reorder it!'). The prizewinners, printed below, have £25 each, and Nick Syrett has The Macallan Single Malt Highland Scotch whisky. Where in this country, Mr Syrett, should we post the bottle?
There'll be a breathless hush in your close tonight when you roll out your new Newbolt roller-mower with weed-destruction attachment. It's British, the Newbolt, from the Sheffield steel of its clean-cut
blades to the Huddersfield polymer of its plastic handle grips, and we know that Sir Henry (that's him on the side of the grass-box) would approve. No need to fear an outbreak of foreign bodies around the rockery or insurgent perennials queer- ing the pitch: the weed attachment — we call it the Field Force — will put them down firmly but equitably. We've even mounted a compass on the fuel tank to help you hold the line. The Newbolt — for a piece of turf that Drake would play bowls on. (Nick Syrett) Firm in its hold, yet utterly feminine, new Virginia Woolf Hair-styling Spray rules The Waves, Night and Dayl Extensively researched over The Years, 'Virginia Woolf now contains revolutionary Orlando Y2K to add volume while inhibiting sticky build-up! Pack it into your holiday dressing- case on The Voyage Ont, or To The Lighthouse
and back! Apply it on formal occasions — see the unsolicited testimonial from society hostess and politician's wife Clarissa D. of London, SW! 'Virginia' won't fail you at intimate moments either: when invited up to Jacob's Room, simply reach for the shocking-pink aerosol and be confi- dent that your crowning glory will retain its bounce through thick and thin! Between the Acts too! Ooh-la-la! (Jeremy Lawrence)
Is the path to your door an untrodden way? Does your home have halitosis? Worried about persis- tent odours? Embarrassed to ask friends and neighbours to drop in? No more. Dispel social anxieties with Wordsworth air-freshener. Simple to use, comes with full instructions. Whether you choose it in aerosol form (Environment-friendly? Well, naturally), plug-in-and-perfume electric day- long wafter or as simple vacuum-cleaner attach- ment, Wordsworth will do the job you haven't been able to do yourself. Harmless to pets. As used in numerous stately homes and palaces. By the makers of Shelley fly-papers and Keats 'Autumn Wonder' leaf-mould dissolvent. Daffodil
fragrance only. (Fergus Porter) What does your mouthwash do for you? Freshens your breath? Maybe. Gives your mouth a bit of a tingle? Perhaps. And what about five minutes later? Chances are you couldn't swear you'd actu- ally used it. You're still hungover. You're still depressed. What you need is a mouthwash that goes beyond your mouth. Something to kick-start your entire inner self. You need Munch. Here's a product that acts like dynamite — it's a blast, but it's just a mouthwash! It packs the sort of punch that makes you want to scream. In fact, we'll give you your money back if you fail to shriek. So use Munch every day and let it all out. But don't forget to cover those ears! (Andrew Gibbons) Caravaggio — the bar that's bar-oque. Experts have marvelled at the great Italian painter's way with light and shade — the magic touch that our confectioners used as inspiration for the new, sophisticated chocolate bar that unites white with dark chocolate in patterns of sheer artistry.
This is one for the mature palate, one that appreciates the genius of the Renaissance in all its manifestations. As you bite into the interior of subtly blended nougat and caramel you'll experi- ence a flavour and quality that matches the unique splendour of Caravaggio's brushwork — strongly expressive, but finely nuanced. Don't blame us if it makes you think of low-lit cobbled courtyards, men in doublet and hose, beautiful women with proud spirits and lives that alternate scandal and adventure with high, enduring achievement. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. When in doubt, choose Caravaggio.
(Basil Ransome-Davies) Franz Kafka had a unique, unparalleled vision of reality. He saw through the surface of everyday life to deeper realities. He wasn't fooled by appearances.
Would you like to sec as clearly as Kafka? Because now you can. Kafka' contact lenses, manufactured to the highest standards and employing the optical technology of the next century, banish that 'misty' feeling. Now you have a chance to view the world as it really is.
So maybe — if you've been using regular con- tact lenses — it will seem a little strange at first, vivid and sharply defined as it should be. But you'll get used to it — and you won't want to change back.
Kafka" lenses. They'll revolutionise your point of view. And you won't even know you're wearing them. (G.M. Davis)
No. 2117: Ocular or aural You are invited to supply clerihews (maxi- mum three) in which the rhymes are either for the eye (Bach, attach) or for the ear (Cholmondeley, comely). Entries to 'Competition No. 2117' by 30 December.
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