YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. .
Q. Increasingly, I find that many men of my father's generation are incapable of holding a conversation without having one hand buried in a trouser pocket, furiously rattling loose change. Although this irritating habit can occasionally be put to good use on the golf course under the guise of gamesman- ship, it is most off-putting when encoun- tered in day-to-day life. Should one have a collection box at the ready? Your thoughts would be most gratefully received.
J.M., New Bond Street, London W1
A. Change-rattling is disturbing and should be discouraged at all times. A penetrating stare in the direction of the culprit's flanks is sometimes sufficient to quell the nuisance. Alternatively, solve the problem by carrying a set of those Japanese clacking aluminium balls which were so popular in the 1970s. Use these to create a rival racket in your own pocket when necessary, and thereby give a short sharp shock to the offenders.
Q. Lunching in Condotti's, a fashionable London restaurant not a million miles from Bond Street, my meal was constantly dis- turbed by a lunatic Frenchman at the next table talking loudly into a piece of wire hang- ing out of his ear. I was not the only cus- tomer to be unamused by this boorish per- formance. It had occurred to me to tap the miscreant on the shoulder and say that I hoped my eating lunch was not interfering with his conduct of his business affairs but that, under the circumstances, seemed pretty inadequate. What is the form? Is violence permissible?
T.T., Covent Garden, London WC2
A. Your own original solution seems more than adequate. Violence is not permissible, although occasionally it is appropriate to hint that violence may be threatened from a secondary quarter. For example, a whis- pered: 'I personally don't mind you talking on your mobile, but people can take the law into their own hands these days and I think there's a bit of hostility building up on the other side of the restaurant/train carriage.'
Q. I have a Kosovan cleaning lady who is excellent at her job but leaves behind a noxious pong of BO. Her English is poor and she is understandably gloomy. How can
I persuade her to use deodorant without confusing or offending the poor woman?
A.C., London !VW]
A. The problem does not usually lie with the armpit area, nor with the sweat itself as is evidenced by the fact that workmen stripped to the waist and sweating buckets do not give olfactory offence. It is generally caused by the reaction of the sweat with 100 per cent unnatural fibre clothing. Pur- chase some maids' uniforms in 100 per cent cotton from a mail-order staff uniform company such as Simon Jersey (01282 775421) and ask your cleaning lady to wear them while she goes about her business in your house. With any luck she will be too culturally confused to know whether you are being pretentious or not. In any case, if you inform her that you pay more for uni- formed staff and raise her wages by a token figure, she is unlikely to complain.
Q. What is the correct number of invitations to have received to millennium parties?
A.B., London W8
A. Three is about the right number. If you get as many as six or seven, you may be suf- fering from some sort of minor or major identity problem and should probably seek medical advice.
Mary Killen
Previous page
