COMPETITION
Idle thoughts
Jaspistos
In Competition No. 1402 you were in- vited to supply, in the form of a letter to a newspaper, earnest and impractical advice to the Government as to how to provide employment for the unemployed.
There were too many boring and con- structive suggestions — the digging of tunnels, the erection of pyramids or monu- ments to the 20th century, the transforma- tion of disused mines into nuclear shelters. More far-fetched nostrums included the revival of tattooing and spats, and the conscription of the jobless to swell church congregations (freeing the regulars for a well-earned Sunday lie-in). Basil Ransome-Davies recommended a mam- moth football league, matches daily, teams chosen on a rotating basis from the entire able-bodied population (difference of skill, age and gender would statistically even out), attendance free but players paid star wages, receipts to come from TV and advertising revenue. John Stanley prop- osed one of those circular 'Chinese laun- dry' systems that always strike me as foolproof: 'Let all the monies now ex- pended as "benefit" be paid instead as wages for work actually done. For exam- ple, suppose A, B and C down to N have allotment gardens. Let A dig for B, B for C and so on until N digs for A . . .' etc until the triumphant conclusion: 'Now all are employers and all are employed!'
The four winners below are awarded £12 each for the moment, but their knight- hoods will surely come through next year. The bonus bottle of Volnay Santenots-du- Milieu 1982 Comte Lafon (the gift of Morris & Verdin, Wine Merchants, 28 Churton St, London SW1) is the property of Barbara Smoker.
Sir: It was laudable of the upper middle class to make do without their servants in wartime, when the latter were required for military duties, but continuation of this Do-It-Yourself ethos is the ruin of our peacetime economy.
It may be argued that members of the working class have priced themselves out of domestic service. That is because they are enabled to live in idleness at our expense. A three-pronged solution presents itself: (a) reduce social hand- outs to a level of discomfort that makes domestic service attractive; (b) make the cost of em- ploying servants tax-deductible; and (c) in the case of British cooks, nannies, butlers, etc (as opposed to foreign au pairs and immigrants), subsidise their food and wages out of the benefits saved.
If under-used attics are thereby brought back into use as servants' quarters, this will, inciden- tally, help solve the housing shortage as well as the unemployment problem.
(Barbara Smoker) Sir: I cannot be alone in thinking that the bicycles available today are far too costly and elaborate for the average man-in-the-street and it is therefore not surprising that so few are being mounted in the pursuit of work. Surely the time has come for the Powers That Be to establish factories throughout our green and pleasant land wherein the able-bodied could be gainfully employed in making cheap, sensible bicycles? This scheme would serve the dual purpose of solving the present unemployment problem while providing the necessary facilities for the future. The bicycles should be of the sit-up-and-beg kind, suitable for any sex. Mine has been in constant use since 1920 and, despite being 82, I'm still 'going strong' on it! Incidental- ly, I was a District Nurse for many years.
(D. B. Jenkinson) Sir: Not surprisingly, the Government's strategy of curing unemployment through the medium of small business is proving about as effective as treating measles by addressing the individual spots. The unemployed are now numbered in millions, and we need an enterprise that engages millions. The only such enterprise is war.
Real war, of course, is no longer acceptable, but here the film industry can help. If the Government were to promote a series of films on Great National Events — the Peasants' Revolt, the Civil War, Peterloo — the scope for extras would be unlimited.
Such a scheme could recharge our national pride, replacing the self-regarding personal- relations rubbish that passes for cinema drama nowadays. Moreover, it would be handsomely self-financing, since, with up to twenty-two per cent of the population in the cast, virtually the whole nation would be cajoled into seeing these films. (Noel Petty) Sir: We should send all our unemployed to France, Germany, Italy etc, where, after a year of study, they would be able to sell our products to the foreigner in his own language and secure those extra orders which have eluded us for so long. At the same time, our valiant representa- tives abroad would not fail to endear to their hosts the immediate advantages of tea-breaks, shorter hours and ever-increasing pay, thus bringing about such a decline in continental quality and production that, with our own house now in order and ably supported by our linguis- tic salesmen, we should find no difficulty in selling our unbeatable, delivered-on-time, low- priced goods to an eager and appreciative overseas market. The funding of the project would of course be easily recouped from the vast export profits pouring into our national coffers.
(Frank Lanning)
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