YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. I am shortly to open a small art gallery in a prosperous market town. I shall be dealing in the minor works of mainly dead artists. I shall be sending out invitations to monthly private views, but how can I find out who the local smarties are, and how can I ensure that they bother to come to a `provincial' opening?
Name and address withheld A. Why not use the simple technique, favoured by burglars, of checking the elec- toral roll for smartie names and addresses? Send out price sheets with the invitations and lure the smarties to the gallery by the age-old method of advertising one of the works from your private collection for sale at about a third of its market worth. When they arrive panting and gasping, saying, `Have you still got the John Piper water- colour at £1,500?' you can say, 'No, it's gone, I'm afraid. Funny, a lot of people have asked about that. . . . ' Repeat the procedure each month. In this way word will spread that there are bargains to be had at your gallery since you yourself are clearly a bit of a dunderhead. And, as they say in business, once you've got the punters over the threshold, you're laughing.
Q. My boyfriend is a schoolteacher at a fashionable school. Frequently when we go out we meet people who have children at the school. How can I stop them from spending the entire occasion droning on about the obvious subject, surely the most tedious one of all?
S.M., Beechingstoke, Wilts A. As soon as you see their eyes light up at the news that your boyfriend is in loco par- ends, curb their natural impulses by saying, `Before you get going, did you know there was a new EC directive on privacy which makes it an offence for teachers to discuss their pupils?' How extraordinary!' they will say, before changing the subject. 'No, we didn't.' If caught out you can use the Jesuit- ical excuse that you didn't say there was such a directive, you only asked if they knew of one.
Q. My husband, having been made redun- dant, is starting to do freelance work from home, only, I very much hope, in the short term. Since he cannot type I am drafted in to take dictation. How can I stop him from picking his nose while he is sitting a few inches away from me at his desk? He says that he does not realise he is doing it and that it is a nervous habit.
T.L., Norfolk A. Buy a pair of handcuffs from your local joke shop and make your husband wear these while he is giving dictation. This will serve to concentrate his mind.
Q. My ten-year-old daughter is a fan of the Spice Girls and All Saints. Every time I see her she is miming to imaginary music, thrusting her arms out, jumping in the air and turning, rotating her pelvis etc., usually in front of a mirror. Attempts at conversa- tion are infuriating as she finishes what she has been 'singing' before responding. How can I break her of this habit?
A.D., Richmond Yorks A. Start miming tennis movements yourself when your daughter is trying to get your attention. Hold your hand up for silence while you return an imaginary ball, mouth imaginary scores, crouch forward moving the weight from one leg to the other, etc. This dose of her own medicine will soon
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