"Spectator" Competitions

RULES AND CONDITIONS

Entries must be typed or very clearly written on one side of the paper only. The name and address, or . pseudonym, of the competitor must be on each entry and not on a separate sheet. When a word limit is net words must be counted and the number given. No entries can be returned. Prizes may be divided at the discretion of the judge, or withheld if no entry reaches the required standard. The judge reserves the right to print or quote from any entry. The judge's decision is final, and no correspondence can be entered into on the subject of the award. Entries must be addressed to :—The Editor, the Spectator, 99 Cower Street, London, W.C. I, and be marked on the envelope Competition No. (—).

Competition No. 61 (SET BY "CARD.") A PRIZE of £2 2s. is offered for a list of the Six Greatest Fools in history. Only those who have attained a certain eminence are to be considered as qualifying for inclusion. Choice is limited to those who died before the beginning of the twentieth century. Competitors need not attempt to conform with what they expect to be the general verdict.

Entries must be received not later than Monday, June 13th, 1932. The result of this competition will appear in our issue of June 25th, 1932.

Competition No. 62 (SET BY " DUELL") A RETIRED Naval Officer has built a house and named it Duneruizen. A prize of £2 2s. is offered for a list of suitable names for the homes of any six of the following : A Royal Academician ; a Director of a Railway Company ; the widow of a Judge ; a "Gossip Writer " ; a designer of ladies hats ; a defeated Member of Parliament ; a writer of detective stories ; a B.B.C. announcer ; an ex-Mayor; a successful dentist.

Entries must be received not later than Monday, June 20th,1932. The result of this competition will appear in our issue of July 2nd, 1932.

The result of Competition No. 60 will appear in our next issue.

Limerick Competition No. 32

A PRIZE of 11 Is. is offered each week for a new and original English Limerick verse on some subject dealt with in the current number of the Spectator. The thirty-second of these competitions closes on Monday, June 20th, 1932. Entries should be marked "Limerick No. 32."

The result of the thirtieth of these competitions will he announced in our next issue.

[It is requested that, to facilitate the work of the judges, entries should, when possible, be submitted on postcards.]

Result of Limerick Competition No. 29 THE most popular subjects for Limericks this week were Writers at Bay" (E. M. Forster), "What Next ? " (Moth), "The Church at the Wicket" (J. E. S.), "Berlin To-day" (Lionel Robbins).

The prize is awarded to S. Tonkin, 4 Danvers Street, S.W. 3.

THE WINNING ENTRY.

A NOTE ON FINANCE.

" The habitual overdraft is bad . . . for the community

as s: whole."—A. W. KIDDY (page 748).

Since my overdraft threatens to be Detrimental to sound industry, I surrender all claim That it stand in my name. Mr. Banker, I trust you'll agree!

S. TONKIN.

Commended : Boor REVIEWS.

The Rub of the "Greene," by his diction. May cause, if not " Waugh," at least friction; For the author, he fears, Of Thirteen Such Years Has oddly mixed fact with his fiction. A. F. COUSINS.

PAGES 725 AND 726.

Though it stretches credulity's bounds That a pin should broadcast its own sounds, Here's a thing as absurd As " Moth's " humorous word —Dr. Johnson a-riding to hounds ! J. W.

THE CHTJRCH AT THE WICKET (page 724). Pleasant days ! Cricket mingled with clover And the parson with blacksmith and drover ; Till the sun nearly sot On the umpire (the vet.) And the owl and the cuckoo cried "Over." HAL/.

Report of Competition No. 59

(REPORT AND AWARD BY b• ('ARD.") IT was to be supposed that by the year 1952 the Derby had become a contest between mechanical vehicles. A

prize of £2 2s. was offered for the best poem, of not more than 30 lines, describing the event.

This Was a disappointing competition. A large II lllll ber of competitors, abandoning the descriptive method which.

was ex hypothesi required, engaged in rhetoric, presumably intended to be satirical but generally achieving merely [ nvective, against the circumstances of a change to which,

since progress in nine cases out of ten is gradual, their. astonished and defiant objection was therefore illogical as well as unsubstantial. The most accomplished entry (of 32 lines) came from Gerald Summers. The entries of Captain .1. R. Cleland, Guy Hadley and Eva Nendiek are commended. The prize is divided between Mr. NV. Gladden, 92 Coins' borough Road, Crewe, and N. B."

THE WINNING ENTRIES.

Behold the Lady Psyche Absinthe-8,0Mo, The Itonour'd chairman of the Jockey Club !

Before the glowing screen the fair reclines, While waiters hover near with smokes and wincs.

Upon that screen there shows the empty field

ere once the bookie's mellow accents pealed. Empty. I said. Why should we brave the sleet, The hail, the rain, rheumatic joints, cold feet, Sciatica, lumbago, chills and 'flu, When from our easychairs the race we view But soft. The Lady Psyche's glass is drained Upon the screen her bloodshot eyes are strained. (Ten million other screens, throughout the land, Await the pleasure of that bloated hand.) She moves a switch. They're off ! A blur of light, And twenty smelly steeds sweep into sight. Their jockeys crouch—before the radio ; This smiles, that frowns, the other curses low.

See the blue smoke that pours from Amaranth !

Observe the sparks that fly from Tragacanth A sudden flash, and Belial is gone But for those faulty coils, he might have won. Foul play ! By cunning trickster's devilish arts Ballet's resolved to his component. parts. Horror I What's this 1 The field is going slow ! They've stepped ! They're motionless ! They're done ! Help, ho The Lady Psyche's fainted ! 'Tis no use. Some Bolshie spoilsport Ilea cut off the juice I W. G.

THE DERDY-1952.

When the Mechanic Bayed us in The last-but-next-time War.

We scratched the Horse at once and hitched Our waggon to the Car. I backed a Ford called Onaway — Alas ! I found this true !— In the great Derby (mechanized) Of nineteen-flfty-two.

The field—or park, though many-hued,

Can here be teen as re(a)d—

With flying colours, ditto start,

Each bonnet has its head—

Lightning is first, by thunder :— Cut out by Silver Sword.; And Scarlet Runner—that's a Bean-- And after it my Ford.

The Runner, struck by Lightning (Swift)

Became a runabout—

While Silver Sword (A Silent Knight) Was now a 'noise without'.

And then, Oh, joy, my Onaway Did carry on, unhurt, Carrying all I could afford, And didn't wear—a shirt !

But when the Bookie's " form " I sought,

"Fives far off in the van— While I was only in the cart—

Or, say, an Also Ran - N. IL