Christmas drinking

Just say whoa

Tim Dowling

CHRISTMAS and drinking are bound together in a pre-Christian sort of way, an alliance dating from a period when people understood that, in the middle of a dark, cold winter, a good time doesn't just hap- pen all by itself. Even in modern times alcohol is still our most effective weapon against what Americans call 'festive stress', the seasonal panic brought on by heavy shopping, the sudden proximity of relations by marriage and the trauma of party-going and party-giving. Of course, by using alco- hol in this way, we run the risk of suffering from what Americans may well call 'post- festivity stress disorder', and during the busy holiday period there is not always time to nurse a hangover. Over the next few weeks, most of us will have alcohol pressed on us at unusual times and unusual places. We will be invit- ed to drink before lunch, at lunch, after work and at work. There will be parties that start before supper and carry on after supper, but do not involve supper. If you don't usually drink much, the Christmas season is bound to be a bit of a trial. If you drink heavily all year round, then this is the event you've been training for.

The key to surviving is strategy. Although it may not seem like it, you do have choices, especially with regard to drinks. Whenever possible, accept only the following: Red wine: standard-issue, festive- coloured Christmas beverage. You know where you are with it, as a telltale maroon crust along your upper lip informs you when you've had enough. Very clever. Who thought of that?

White wine: a pale and inferior alterna- tive to red wine, unless the red wine has run out, in which case it's every bit as good, maybe better.

Beer: this low-alcohol wine-substitute has been around for centuries. Its mysteri- ous bladder-swelling properties regulate intake automatically.

NOW FOR THE GOOD BOOZE

Bloody Marys: far and away the most nutritious of Christmas drinks, the bloody Mary contains no less than two of the four basic food groups, if you count vodka as a grain. A large part of Christmas revolves around drinking in the day, and the bloody Mary represents a nice compromise between cocktail and breakfast.

Whisky: take only for medicinal purpos- es, as needed, after in-laws have gone to bed.

Water: while technically non-alcoholic, water is extremely refreshing. It's also free on tap in most public loos, and while you're in there you can rest your forehead on the nice, cool floor tiles.

Stick with these basics and you should be right as rain a few days after New Year. The following, however, present problems: Champagne: a glass or two is fine, but if it doesn't run out after that, it's best to switch to something else as soon as possi- ble. Remarkably, champagne can give you a hangover while you're still drinking it. If your champagne seems darker than usual and has a sugar cube dissolving in the bot- tom of it, put it down straight away. Some- one is trying to drug you.

Punch: suffice to say that most punch is a combination of things you wouldn't drink on their own, which produce appalling side effects when mixed. If you feel you must have some punch, try to drink it early on, before the person who makes it gets drunk.

Mulled wine: you're not meant to drink mulled wine. It's only a decoration, like holly. In fact, it's poisonous.

Gliihwein: research reveals that this Ger- man ski-slope staple is not actually wine with glue in it, although it might as well be. If you're cold enough to crave a glass of gliihwein, you've got hypothermia.

Wassail: this could be anything from adulterated beer to adulterated cider, but unless you're specifically looking for ways to supplement your mace intake, do not a- wassailing go.

Drinks with Christmassy names: never order anything called an I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, a Lapland Express or a Frankincense Flip. More often than not, it's just a kamikaze with some mistletoe stuck in it.

Retro cocktails: at this time of year, hosts tend to dig out antique bartending manuals in an attempt to impress jaded guests. Even if you are impressed, it's best not to sample any Knockouts, Brave New Worlds, Green Dragons, Singapore Slings, or any other drink that was fashionable before Alcoholics Anonymous was invent- ed. There is generally a very good reason why people stopped drinking these concoc- tions in the first place, usually because of symptoms ranging from headaches to severe dehydration, nausea and blindness.

Absinthe: speaking of nausea and blind- ness, absinthe, the wormwood-based bug- juice of the Impressionists, is once again available at your local pub, and its enticing green glow is sure to tempt devil-may-care types who have already had one too many Merry Christmas Mr Lawrences with their figgy pudding. Christmas makes us all feel like.lopping an ear off from time to time. Who needs further incentive?

It's not enough to restrict ourselves to certain types of drink. We must also pre- pare for dangerous events.

The office party: office Christmas parties range in size from lunches striving to be a creepy simulacrum of the Christmas Day meal — complete with turkey and paper hats — to large nightclub takeovers spon- sored by some new brand of vodka. The gen- eral rule with office parties is that the more excruciating they are, the more mandatory they are. As far as getting drunk goes, a sim- ilar Catch 22 obtains: if it's the sort of dire evening that only alcohol can salvage, then it's also safe to assume your employer has organised the party as an informal dole- queue audition. Stay as sober as you dare. You can always get drunk at home.

Other people's office parties: only masochists go to other people's office par- ties. If you are merely a client, customer, contributor or contract supplier, you can probably get away without making an appearance, since no one really knows who you are anyway. If you feel you must attend, remove all your business cards from your wallet before you drink yourself into a stupor.

Elsewhere: at the end of every Christmas party, there is a small contingent making hasty plans to go 'elsewhere', usually to a nightclub or another party to which none of the group has been invited. If you are part of this contingent, then you have already stayed too long at the first party. Going on elsewhere is almost always a bad idea, something you will undoubtedly regret if you remember anything at all about it. Still, it happens, so when you go out for the evening be sure to dress as though you had always intended to walk five miles home at four in the morning.