CITY AND SUBURBAN
Creating the party piece for Nigel as the proud pound rides low
CHRISTOPHER FILDES
Scene: a smoke-filled room, furnished creatively with glass table, grass wallpaper, and deeply uncomfortable black leather chairs. The brothers are roughing out the Conservative party conference. 'What,' Maurice Saatchi asks, 'are we going to do about Nigel?' What we always do haircut, check fit of waistcoat, check con- servatism of tie. . . ."Change of timing, Charles?"Yes. Coming on just after lunch was ideal for Geoffrey Howe — he could use torpor as an art-form — by the time they woke up, they were on their feet, clapping. Not for Nigel, though. I thought this year we'd give him the gin-and-tonic spot. If they won't cheer him to get out for a drink and lunch, they never will.' They'll certainly never cheer another lecture on the Medium Term Financial Strategy and the money supply.' Worry not, Maurice, I don't think he'll have too much to say about the money supply, this time. Priva- tisation, I thought. Gas, Airways, fly Con- corde and get a pink form — wonderful business for us, of course — when the merchant banks look at our fees, they go green. . . ."I suppose the Bank of Eng- land's lined up the usual apple for the teacher? You know: glad to announce, measure of confidence in our prudent policies, practical help for British industry, the High Street banks have today cut their base rates' — 'Hang on a minute, Maurice' — 'You know that's always the way to her Ladyship's heart, get interest rates down, small businesses, home loans, you name it, she loves it, you heard her at the CBI dinner, actually calling for a cheer for the National Westminster, what a turn-up for the book!"Maurice, I think I ought to tell you, there seems to have been a weeny bit of a boo-boo on this one. We have a sterling crisisette. I don't follow it, but it's something to do with a row between the Americans and the Japanese and the Ger- mans. . . ."But I thought Nigel was sup- posed to go to Washington and fix it — you know, concentrate on our agreements, not on our differences — I think they wrote that one in-house. . . ."Yes, well, now he's back."Charles, didn't I see some- where that the Germans were helping us?' `Helping us? The Germans? Maurice, be reasonable. Not without sending us the bill.' So what is he going to say?' I'd have thought the broad sunlit uplands: you know, personal ownership, homes, shares, millions of ordinary people, wicked fairies scheming to take it away."Done. But it'll be a bit awkward, won't it? I mean, a Conservative Chancellor facing his party with the pound at an all-time low? I can remember when all those old trout thought it mattered. You know, patriotism, looking the dollar in the face, the symbol of the nation's credit. . . ."I suppose he could always tell them that the pound in their pockets has not been devalued."No, Charles, he tells them that the new com- petitive exchange rate creates marvellous opportunities for British exports.' And the slogan?' Writes itself, doesn't it? THE
PROUD POUND IS RIDING LOW.'
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