YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
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Dear Mary.
Q. I do not like the mocking manner of a girl at least ten years younger than me who works in my office and who tries to insult me every time I pass her desk. I am told by another colleague that her attacks mask an unconscious physical attraction towards me. How can I find out whether or not this is true, as it would help me in deciding What steps to take to eliminate the nuisance?
M.D., London W1 A. Sweets called 'Kiss' are widely available all over France. Have some posted to you by a friend who lives there. Then, choosing Your moment, walk up to the little flibberti- Obit's desk, fix her with a steady gaze and murmur, 'Would you like a Kiss?' You will easily be able to tell from her reaction Whether she would actually like your lips to crush down on hers. Whether revulsion or swooning anticipation is evinced, you Should then withdraw from your pocket the tube of clearly labelled Kisses and proffer them. Readers visiting France should always stock up on supplies of Kisses. They are invaluable for solving precisely these sorts of dilemmas. Q. Can you solve an argument between me and a friend? Since toothpicks are widely available in restaurants, is it therefore acceptable to use dental floss at the table, given that a length of floss is a hundred times more effective than a toothpick?
J.C., London W11 A. Floss will never be acceptable for public use for the reason that while food dis- lodged with a toothpick can be manageably disposed of, pellets dislodged with a length of floss might be flicked onto fellow diners or other surfaces where they can be stud- ied. May I take this opportunity to remind readers that flossing in the home should always be done with one's head poking out of an open window to avoid unsightly spat- tering of the bathroom mirror?
Q. My seven-year-old son was given custody of the school goldfish during the Easter holidays. Alas, all three of them have passed away either from overfeeding or neglect. How do I go about finding a per- fect match to replace them before the beginning of next term?
Name and address withheld A. Just go and buy three replacement gold- fish of roughly similar size to the deceased, then shake some harmless blue food colouring into their bowl. Pass this off as a toddler's prank or as an avant-garde art statement (depending on the sort of school your son attends). Whichever you decide, the exciting blue food colouring will con- fuse onlookers, as it obliterates from their memories the appearances of the original If you have a problem, write to Dear Mary clo The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, London WC1N 2LL.
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