12 FEBRUARY 1994, Page 26

Car Journey Across Country with Grandchildren

Pigs don't like walking very far that's why they decided to sty.

After bran and psychoanalysis the horses admit to feeling much more stable.

Old-fashioned cows flirt with the jargon: `monetarist sellers' markets — we are for byres'.

Sheep have to accept close shearing but rather than the sword prefer the pen.

Sophisticated free-range cocks and hens — oop North — like to take Earl Grey and lemon in a coop.

Even elderly pigeons and doves along with nestlings in their second childhood seek reassurance in a cote.

(In order to keep children's interest alive and orderly You have to be kind but farm.)

Michael Kelly