YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED .
Dear Mary.. .
Q. The other day I chanced upon a mal- odorous object on the floor of the office. Close examination left no doubt that this was a dog turd. Such specimens have been found in recent weeks distributed random- ly on the carpets. The culprit is a charming terrier who frisks around the place during the day. No one wishes to see this dog expelled, particularly since he belongs to a delightful and important member of staff. Nor do we wish to invoke the Health and Safety Executive.. None of us has had the Courage to mention the terrier's deposits to his mistress, for fear of seeming rude. Row, without resorting to violence, can we end our poop misery? Help, Mary, please. B.J., London WC1 A. Nip into the street outside the office Where you will find all manner of dog mess- es. Choose an appropriately sized mess and collect it — carefully, so that it remains intact, using a plastic bag as a glove. Secretly redeposit the mess under the desk of the terrier's mistress. Although it would be unusual for a terrier to foul his own nest, it cannot be proved that he did not do it Unless you are caught in the act. Carry on With this practice until you see results.
An old and formerly close friend of Thine informed us that he was to be a god- father to our son (on the grounds that he had been my best man etc.). Despite my wife's misgivings (she regards him as a buf- foon), we couldn't at the time bring our- selves to hurt his feelings and did not demur. Over two years later the christen- ing has not yet taken place and, although he has proved to be a reasonably diligent godfather, subsequent events have proved him to be a cad as well. My wife now feels strongly that she does not wish him to have any influence over our son and refuses to ask him to the christening. Although I share her views, I am keen to avoid strain- ing relations with my old friend any fur- ther. Other than delaying the christening indefinitely, how can I resolve the situa- tion, Mary? Can one sack a godparent? Name and address withheld A. Ring the man in question with the fol- lowing query: 'I'm trying to organise the christening and it's a nightmare finding a date that all the godparents can do. Can you just give me any dates you definitely can't do under any circumstances so I can work round them?' Then go ahead and organise the christening on one of these days telling him that you are sorry, but this was the only date on which all the other godparents were free.
Q. A friend of mine, who is something of a masochist, always insists on paying the bill whenever we meet for lunch or dinner, despite the fact that he is heavily over- drawn. Since I am a woman and he is a man it is difficult to impose my will on him, as he physically overpowers me when I try to pay my share or treat him. How can I resolve this difficult situation?
H.M.M., London W2 A. Either make details of the man's bank account by studying his cheque book, then pay cash anonymously into it, or repay his hospitality in kind by ordering by credit card some luxury foodstuffs to be delivered by the postman to your friend's own home where he can consume them in private. May I make a personal recommendation that you try the wares of the Hebridean firm of Salar (tel: 01870 610324), based on Uist, which posts packages of oaky, smoky salmon of a far more gratifying texture than the traditional smoked variety.
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