No. 1351: The winners

Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked for bromidic advice to youth in the form of a Miltonic sonnet ending in three lines supplied from Housman's 'Fragment of a Greek Tragedy'.

You fairly dazzled me with banality — in fact Jermyn Thynne dazzled me so effec- tively that I failed to notice until he was on the short list that his sonnet had only 13 lines. Among the welter of proverbs I especially enjoyed George Moor's triplet:

Pitch not your tent upon a squelchy spot, Look at the horse's teeth before you pay, Never make love upon a weak-legged cot . . .

and the hardest advice to follow came from Fife, where they evidently scotch the snake rather than kill it: But most, if, by some wanton woman led, Lusts of the flesh inflame your loins, my son, Think on your mother's marbled tomb, and stun The stirring member, nor yet strike it dead.

There were so many good runners that the field was as hard to separate as a prairie stampede. Ralph Rochester was unlucky in the photo-finish. The winners printed be- low get flO each, and the bonus bottle of Pol Roger White Foil Champagne (NV), Presented by the distributors Dent and Reuss, is awarded to Barney Blackley who, luckily for him, eschewed his own advice, 'Never seek the van'.

Resolve, my son, upon this New Year's Day, Never to let your modest talent rust. Never betray, but don't invite, a trust. Be kind when you conveniently may. With women be most careful what you say: Speak not of love if all you feel is lust.

By all means drink a little if you must,

But not enough to carry you away. Let your behaviour camouflage your mood: Try to be neither boisterous nor sad.

Stay in the middle, never seek the van.

And, 0 my son, be, on the one hand, good.

And do not, on the other hand, be bad; For that is very much the safest plan.

(Barney Blackley) I offer this advice, dear lad, for free: Be kind to those in need, but not so kind That you are left in need yourself; and mind Your manners always— never disagree With folk; if someone's not your cup of tea, Hearken to what he has to say; behind A stranger's yet unknown façade you'll find A worthwhile chap, or so it seems to me At any rate. And, furthermore, it would Be only fatherly and right to add That one should always do the best one can; And, 0 my son, be, on the one hand, good, And do not, on the other hand, be bad; For that is very much the safest plan.

(Gerard Benson) Think not, my son, that Love is bought for nought: It is the dearest thing in all this land, Upon the one hand. On the other hand, To get it otherwise takes care and thought: For any girl will get a bit distraught

If she suspects that your campaign is planned, And by pretending to misunderstand Her feelings, you may well end up in court. But if she should — I do not say she should— Shed madly all her garments, and, unclad, Should call you cad — then, gad, lad, be a man!

And, 0 my son, be, on the one hand, good. And do not, on the other hand, be bad; For that is very much the safest plan.

(Gina Berkeley) Note well, my boy, what I'm about to say: In proverbs is much wisdom to be found, For empty vessels make the greatest sound And when the cat's away the mice will play!

Some idols, verily, have feet of clay, And time, indeed, will heal the deepest wound; Fortunes are waiting on Tim Tiddler's ground, And every dog does, surely, have his day, However long it takes. So, if you would Be happy and get on in life, my lad, Remember all the prover* that you can; And, 0 my son, be, on the one hand, good.

And do not, on the other hand, be bad; For that is very much the safest plan.

(C. J. D. Harvey) Proceed with caution. Mind your p's and q's.

Take care to see which way the wind will blow.

Remember, too, the devil that you know Is much to be preferred. Always refuse To keep the company of men who booze.

Look twice before you leap. Mind how you go.

It's better to be safe than sorry, so Beware of girls, and men, and self-abuse.

I'd like to be quite clear you've understood One guiding principle: be like your dad, A godly, righteous, sober gentleman.

And, 0 my son, be, on the one hand, good, And do not, on the other hand, be bad; For that is very much the safest plan.

(Noel Petty)