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Q. My brother-in-law, of whom my wife and I are very fond, is an admirable man and rightly proud of the ordinary background from which he has risen to a leading position in his company. However his rise (without trace, as they say) means that all he knows about food and wine is what he has gleaned from expenseaccount meals and he has adopted many of the mannerisms of waiters for home use. For example, when opening wine he waves the cork under his nose, pours some wine into the glass, sips it adopting a judicious expression and then proceeds to pour it for others. Recently, after he had gone through this ritual, I realised the wine was clearly and unmistakeably corked and said so. My brother-in-law looked into the glasses with a puzzled expression and said that he couldn’t see anything wrong but would change the wine. It is clear he does not know what a corked wine is. How do I cope with the situation when the next bottle of corked wine occurs and how can I educate him as to the meaning of ‘corked’ without appearing to demean him?
Name and address withheld A. Next time he dines with you, prepare by secretly lining your wife’s glass with a piece of cork before pouring wine into it. Then you can cry, ‘Oh look. Your wine is corked!’ Your wife will respond with the rehearsed lines. ‘No, darling. You are wrong about the meaning of corked. I have looked it up. Corked wine is wine that has been contaminated by something via the cork which makes it unpalatable. It either stinks like a drain or has no smell at all. It’s nothing to do with pieces of cork bobbing in it.’ ‘Fancy that! I stand corrected. I’ve been wrong all these years,’ you can marvel, in full earshot of your brother-in-law.
Q. My father has died. He had a good innings and it was not unexpected but I am shocked by the number of condolence texts I have received. My mobile flashes out such messages as ‘soz yr dad dd. C u sn x’, followed by the sender’s name. Call me old-fashioned but I think these examples of instant messaging strike the wrong note in the circs. I prefer a handwritten letter of sympathy sent by snail mail any day of the week. What is the etiquette in any case? Should I reply to condolence texts in writing or should I text my thanks to the senders?
S.G., Shepherd’s Bush, London A. Do nothing until you next speak to one of the culprits in the normal course of events. Then gently reprimand them for having trivialised your loss. Say warmly, ‘Sorry I haven’t thanked you for your text yet. It was so kind of you and I will do it but I have a huge pile of handwritten letters to reply to and I thought they should take precedence.’ Q. I feel terribly guilty because I failed to give a present at Christmas to someone who sent one to me and who I know feels generally unloved. How can I explain my thoughtlessness when I write to thank her. It is too late to buy something now and deliver it. It would look too obvious.
Name and address withheld A. Simply buy your friend a subscription to a monthly magazine. These Christmas-bought subscriptions often do not take effect until February. You can then write and thank your friend, casually mentioning that you hope she will enjoy your own present whose date of purchase she will have no way of knowing.
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