Tn-rrt,

„

POLITICAL COMMENTARY HUGH MACPHERSON

4■-1 initirvik-on.6=x4 1 mil

-.---_--.6.---

.1111111111111111111101 111111 11.111FIP IMF! 11IIIII IIII

III 111011110111

111111 III 111111 IIII Iflll Valha la—the great palace of Odin through whose 540 doors the brave warriors who .fell in battle march, 800 abreast, to enjoy eternal feasting with the voluptuous Valky- ries. Naturally there is a gilt-lined Chamber where those immortal gladiators, the Prime Ministers of Great Britain, dine, reminisce and watch their successors on earth.

Odin, attended by his two lovely cup bearers, Hrist and Mist, speaks after dinner .1, ODIN: Well, Gentlemen. I think we're all here except for Mr Gladstone . . • LLOYD GEORGE: He'll be out trying to reA form the Valkyries.again.

ODIN: Quite. Now, Hrist dear, just leave Mr Lloyd George alone and let's all have a drop more nectar for we have an inter- esting topic to discuss tonight: the memoirs of Mr Harold Wilson, or as he puts it, the 'personal account'.

DISRAELI: You know it's a great shame the way old Willie lectures these poor Valky- ries. When Longford and Muggeridge arrive their lives won't be worth a damn. ODIN: Well, Gentlemen, to the point—the memoirs. The Sunday Times does arrive a bit late here but what do we make of them?

Ci I AMBERLAIN : I have a sneaking admiration for the bounder—despite his background. And he learneAl something from us all. Now take the way he handled that dread- ful fellow Smith. He told us how angry he was with all the rebellious cads but he very nearly came back with that precious bit of paper from the Fearless. Now that would have Made all the difference ,

RAMSAY MACDONALD: You're quite right, Sandy, but my favourite bit of the memoirs was on devaluation. And he's quite right about the Treasury really making up the bit about the pound in your pocket. He just put in the homely phrase. I did it myself. Do you remember that great speech of mine when I marched up and down, stooped as was St Christopher of old, asking them if they wanted to take their wages home in a sack like the Germans ...

ATTLEE (aside to Baldwin): Ramsay's been spending too much time with Channon and Nicholson lately. He should keep out of the sergeants' mess.

(Aloud): Wilson? Good President Bo-r. Bad Butcher. Never apologise. Never explain.

RAMSAY MACDONALD: Och but I admire the man. Modesty forbade him to say much

about the 'Torrey Canyon'. Never in the field of coastal shipwreck has so much detergent been used to dispose of so little oil at such cost' to so many. He should have been in the first wave of the Fleet Air Arm that swept down on this dark menace to our shores ...

ODIN (aside): Quite; quite. Poor Mr Mac- Donald's been reading the wrong memoirs.

A drop of mead all round, Hrist, if you can spare a moment from Mr Lloyd George.

BALDWIN: Ramsay's quite right about the Treasury advice being bad, and Wilson tells us he was badly advised by the Foreign Office too in his dealings with De Gaulle. Must confess I was badly advised myself ... all the fault of the Civil Service ...

ALL (waving menus): HERE! HERE! .

CHAMBERLAIN: And by Dicky Crossman too ...

ATTLEE: Good Editor NS. Bad chap in jungle.

ODIN: Order. Order. Now what does Mr Asquith think?

DISRAELI: Too busy writing interminable billet-doux to that vociferous Teutonic wretch Brunnhilde.

Asourru: Gentlemen I have read the per- sonal account—let us leave the nomencla- ture to the author—and I was distressed that anyone handling such grave matters should have added up the score of errors spotted by his interpreter and compared it to that of the French. That is the men- tality of the • school swot. Such traits would be quite unacceptable in a Balliol man.

BONAR LAW: What about Heath?

LLOYD GEORGE: There's an exception to every rule.

DISRAELI: Come let us not speak ill of the living.

ASQUITH: The trouble is he should not have written the piece himself. He should have

had someone to do it for him—I had a Balliol man—stops one seeming to be immodest ..4

LLOYD GEORGE: One should take chances. I would have got that chap Kaufman to do it.

BA! DwiN: He could have kept it in the family. My lad did a grand job

MACDONALD: But who would have got the bawbees?

ornN: Now Mr MacDonald, we don't want to upset Mr Lloyd George. Money is the other thing we never mention in this M ess . .

BONAR t.A\: He did last for six years. That's an achievement.

DISRAELI: Who the Devil's he? That's the second time he's spoken.

ATTI EE: Unknown PM.

GLADSTONE: I question the constitutional propriety of a former Prime Minister, whilst still seeking to return to that unique status, using his experience of office to comment on the actions of Civil Servants, colleagues, and the leaders of foreign powers. However. I have no doubt that he will devote the considerable pecuniary advantage he has gained to some worthy cause. such as the Earl of Longford's intrepid campaign against impurity, immorality, immodesty and impiety.

LLOYD GEORGE: The Valkyries have had a rough ride tonight. Come off it, Willie, what's the difference between writing it before or after you retire? Anyway he's probably starting a political fund like mine. I mean he already borrowed my coupon election idea for his dog licence speech.

BALDWIN: Think of the way he rustled up sandwiches ... a grand family doctor, no nonsense, pipe smoking Englishman the people can trust ..

CHAMBERLAIN: Almost brought peace in our time in Rhodesia.

LLOYD GEORGE: Spoken like a man, Neville. And what about the hundred dynamic days creating the White revolution fit for technologists to take part in ..„ ALL: Hear, Hear ... withdraw ...order.

GLADSTONE: I make no personal charge, I was simply pondering the constitutional question. In fact gentlemen the personal account as t read it reveals many of our traits and if we feel critical it is indeed the rage of Caliban at seeing his face in the mirror.

ALL: Who goes Home?

LLOYD GEORGE: Me and Hrist,