SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 132

Report by D. R. Peddy

"It was 1752, the age of Dr. Johnson . . . the full-bottomed wig was fast disappearing . . . and Thomas Whitewash had just started manufacturing lemonade in a back room in Bloomsbury . . . . " A prize of £5 was offered for not more than 150 words of advertising matter on these "educational" lines for one of the folloWing: a "Bikini" swimsuit; saccharin tablets; a gas-mask.

A popular subject, to judge by the larger than usual batch of attempts. About half of these were on the dull side, but there was much wit and erudition among the rest, and by and large the actual "instructional" advertisements, of which one sees so many, were outdone in pretentiousness. I was glad to note that not too much reference was made to the Garden of Eden nor to Lady Godiva in advertising Bikinis—the most popular of the alternatives—though the quotation "From the strong came forth sweetness" figured prominently with saccharin supporters. The sombre associations of the gas-mask were lightened in many instances by making the product one of a non-warlike variety.

Space permits mention of only a few of the many deserving entries. In the Bikini school .I liked L. Durham's "Bikini swimsuits also match the mountain scenery of Sicily beautiful but bare," K. R. Patrick's "Through the years he toiled, against prudes, poverty and purchase tax, snipping a little off here, a trifle. there, until today . . . you may be sure that in the Peeping studios, our designers are still dreaming—of tomorrow . . .,"and E. C. Gillies's (futuristic) historical note on 1952. Saccharin was well represented by Granville Garley: "The flavour of even 'a beaker full of the warm South' could be improved by the addition of a SACCO Saccharin Tablet," and Edward Blishen's "Ahead of her time, the fierce Mistress of Macbeth Ha' was expressing a dissatisfaction with the usual sweet- eners that at last was answered by the invention of the Saccharin Tablet . . . . "

The short list eventually contained nine names, of which I reluc- tantly set aside. Allan M. Laing, Joyce Johnson, Norreys Davis and John C. S. Adams I recommend that the prize be shared equally between the remaining five—J. P. Mullarky, Dennis R. Woolf, Michael Lacon, Frank Dunnill and F. A. V. Madden.

PRIZES (J. P. MULLARKY) When Eve left Eden seeking the wherewithal to hide her shame she naturally visited the HOUSE OF BREACH which had been covering the similar needs of Neanderthat women for 2,00b years. "Whose are those?" queried Adam seeing her cunningly cut garments. "They're Breach's" replied Eve, unwittingly causing a misspelling in one of our Bibles. Because the Bikini is new only in name. Older than history, this Eternal Triangle is more properly known by its original name of "BREACH CLOUT." The Greeks had a word for it: a - Breach daughter married a Delta and gave the Greeks both under-garments and a letter of the alphabet.

And it was as under-garment that it was worn for years—particularly amongst the very young.,-until Victory brought the "V" Sign to every French beach.

In History's continuous performance this is where we came in.

BUY THE ORIGINAL BUY BREACH'S BEACH BREACH CLOUTS (DENNis R. Wools) "An essay in good taste! declared Comte de Bikin in 1631, "should be extensive enough to cover the subject,yet brief enough to maintain interest." Over three centuries of patient literary research have at last resulted in the creation of a new INTELLECTUAL mode of beachwear.

The Bikini swimsuit is truly— "AN ESSAY IN GOOD TASTE"

(MICHAEL LACON) JOHN LOUDON McADAM (1756-1836)

Invented the Macadamized road, thereby contributing to the develop- ment of our modern network of highways. McAdam found that broken stone or ironstone slag in a matrix of tar would give a smooth surface to the hitherto lumpy roads—and paved the way to the sweet performances of today's roadsters.

It was the TAR that mattered, the TAR that made the difference to your car. From that same revolutionary tar comes, distilled with the scientific know-how of the hundred and sixteen years since McAdam's death, that sweetener of life's bitter moments: Saccharin.

TARSAC TABLETS, Ltd., proudly acknowledge their debt to Britain's Highway Pioneer.

Remember—it's the tar that makes the difference to your char. They're sweet and so light (hundred weigh less than one fattening sugar-

lump) . . . Ta, Mac For sweetness and light, try TARSAC, tonight!

f (FRANK DUNNILL) The year is 1851, and Londoners, in common with the residents of other portions of these Islands, are flocking in their thousands to see the Great Exhibition. For this is the golden age of British skill, crafts- manship and commercial enterprise, period of solid progress and unpre- cedented prosperity under a Great Queen.

But the scene is already shadowed by the incipient menace of the welfare state, and the Ffee Englishman's grateful contemplation of his lot disturbed by the shrill voices of the radicals whose preoccupation is with the cesspits, middens and open drains, with their attendant odours, still lingering in the Metropolis, and who are destined, within a few decades, to float into office on a policy of sewerage. The gas-mask, which might well have proved an effective substitute for expensive schemes of sanitation, has not, as yet, been invented. Issued by ALTRUISTIC INTERESTS, Inc.

(F. A. V. MADDEN).

Do you Smell? The eighteenth century had its dangers and discomforts though they may seem petty' compared to the menace of modern titnes. Recall the scene in the stage coach that carried the great Doctor 'Johnson- and a sensitive lady. The day was hot, the space confined. Wrinkling her pretty nose the lady at last expostulated, "Doctor Johnson, you smell !"

"You are wrong, Madam," the great man replied, "It is you who smell. I stink." What a pity the lady did not have one of our easy-to-wear adaptable all-purpose Gas-masks! Keep odours at bay and be prepared for all emergencies, including the worst that your enemies, known or unknown, can do. We guarantee protection against every poison known to science. Essential in war and a blessing in peace. Compact to carry. Pleasing in appearance. Goatbody's Gas-Masks!