A New Folly of the Old Fooles
Mercurius Cantabrigiensis
I had so fear'd for you at the hands of your student rebels that your letter of the 20th inst. .cheer'd me ultra morem. You ask me regarding our domestick affaires, and how it ariseth that whereas you in Oxon are knocking down various of your colleges for want of endowment (or, as like, having 'em knocked down by the student fanatiques), we in Cantab, your Juniors in wisdom if in aught, have been debating the putting up of another of 'em.
Know then, good brother, that one Robinsonne, a mechanick made monstrous rich from the hiring out of contrivances to the rude multitude, and now a trader in horseflesh, fearing that Master Healey and My Lords of the Treasury should peradventure apply the fruits of his Industrie to the needs of our sicklie Commonweal, did chance upon our Latinist, Master Brink, upon Newmarket Hethe and did propose to endowe this our Universitie with some part of his monies. Wherewith our Councill of the Senate, magnas inter opes mops (& the equal!, as I believe & fear for you of yr Hebdomadal] Council!), not willing this princely summ to be decently bestowed upon us poor Collegians for the buying-in of port-wine, or upon Master Caine, his schoole of Medick, or Doctor Orr, his Musickal box, but reasoning that their taskemasters the UGC should mislike us for it and go a-mumping off with their shekels to the Univ. of Essex or sithlike haunt of reason, did in the verie Councill Chamber cry out A miracle, a miracle & wondrous Portent and, falling upon their several! knees (in the doing of which Mr Vice-chancellour did snap one leg Clean off), did intone a new Psalme, A college, a ,college, we shall have a new college, so that the aire did ring with their clamours. (And had sung the like, mutatis mutandis, had it been a brewerie or a chop-house upon our verie Backs proposed.) Wherefore — rather than for that is within our Old Schooles that they hold their confabulations, & women among 'em, tho' chose not for their sexe but on account of It — they are now clept the Old Fooles. Most instrumentall in this designe has been your cast-off and our Vice-chancellour, honest Master Linnett, despite his swete name a fearful chymist. Inter suos the foremost satellites are the Heades of the confoederate coils of our late sainted King Henry the VI & of our lady Catharine — to witt, our Hector, Master Provost Leech, the acolite of good Master Reith (tho' a heretique himself & the Hammer of the Familie), whose mistress Anthropologie not having fitted him for cleare thinking as for straight talking, the Old Fooles did putt up to obfuscate the debate and make the Worse arguments appear the better in our Senate House; and the arithmetician Master Swynnerton-Dire, fellow of Trinity coil aetate 9 yeres and author of the recent pretty treatise upon the single transferable vote (a stiategem to admit our fanatiques to our inmost tribunalls), a verie Porpoise in whose slipstream our other silly councillors do play as Minnows in the shallows of his making.
They propose a skyskraping tower of Phallick forme (tho' sculpted to skirt the trees), the which we have wanted for hitherto In our benighted Fenns, to the designe ut asseritur of Master Seifert, the great Dragoon & chief improver of the Metropolis, the whole to be builded in the fairest rustick corner of our citie, a pleasant colonie of turtles, humming birds & the like, athwart our Universitie Library (quaere, this to be moved to clere the Prospect?). But arena sine calce till the matter
passeth our Senate, whereat much witty debating was hadd, as of whether it were more horsy than fishy, our Architects protesting how any other spot from here-to the Uralls in Tartary were better suited for a new coil, & certain young Turks of Saint John's coll. (who presently possess this Garden of Delights) arguing better none at all than any & raising all manner of ingeniose quibbles & pragmaticall details, as the nature of the quadrivium to be hadde there other than compulsory Sociologie & such banausick phansies as contraception & the knitting. To none avail, alack, as up popped our cherry cheek't Registrary, clutching his copie of the Statutes downside-up, to tell us that it must be done without delay, that for want of another severall hundred undergraduates our verie Universitie must perishe, our port-wine be used for ink in the Examination Schooles, our plate melted downe & his reputation for politick dealing quite blasted. And so a vote was hadde of all our Seniors, & the Old Fooles did utter a Flieshete to blinde us with false statisticks & demografick debating points, as the rate of live births &the like; yet was sign'd by 600 of our Seniors; and done in such lacrymose veyne that our collegians are yet red-ey'd with the reading of it. Meanwhile, the Architects and our young Turks did each issue their owne Flieshete, all verie prettily done, the latter the work of a meer ten guardians of our liberties wherein minced-meat was made of the Old Fooles. Upon hearing the which Mr Vice-chancellour did gnash his teeth & rend his garments & did send billets doux above his sign manual to evr'y singular Regent entreating each to uphold the Old Fooles, & by minatory grimacings & commandes did instruct the Heades of Houses & the chief Tutors to keep their troupes in line; the which instruction was followed ad unguem by our great Khan, Doctor Chairman Needham, whose love of a new coll, has been quicken'd by the prospect of filling it with his owne hooligan boys who, if not dispos'd of are like to fill Gonville coll, with flighty skirtes & God knows not what aught beside; so bearing a banner inscribed with various his Thoughts did froggmarch his fellowes to the Senate House to placet the Grace.
But, Ins consilii expers mole mit sua, & the young Turks had by their rationall urgings won the day, but for the assistance of our sawcY students whose pitie for the ragged-trouser'd denizens (as Master Professor Reddaway, the oeconomist), that they must ere Domesday leave their hortus deliciarum did lede them to tell the Seniors to spend Master Robinsonne (quaere, how soone Doctor of Lawes honoris causa?) his monies upon the making of a great Pleasure Dome for 'emselves, or habitations for fallen women of the town and the Coalmen, or the putting up of a monument to the blissful Martyr Rudi Dutschke (a Tribune of the penall times); the which did drive our silly ninnies into the camp of the Old Fooles, from whence they were nigh as soon chas'd out again by Mr Vicechancellour with his prating that the fanatiques should run the new coll., elect the Master etc. Which lapse the satellites did well enough hush up, so that the vote was won by 916 to 135, almost half the Seniors voting, a noble tribute and very pleasing, I doubt not, to the eares of our Fennland Nuffield.
We now con the lists for our new Master (of which more anon, as of dark hints to the point dropt in the Senate House), & await a great embassy from the UGC this se'nnight, at which event the Old Fooles are much distraught, not knowing whether to regale 'em with larks tounges & our choicest clarets (& make 'em suspect our endowment) or else to wring pitie from 'em by drenching 'em with our usual Africk brewes & giving 'em colick. The which decision rests with our subtile Treasurer, who has Master Swynnerton-Dire with him night & day to help him with his summs. Wherefor you may be sure, dear brother Oxoniensis, that when yr Discipline Court drives out your rebel fanatiques from Oxon we shall have a brand new coll. for 'em here, which outcome brings little cheare to Yr loving brother to serve you Mercurius Cantabrigiensis
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