No. 1279: The winners

Report by Jaspistos: Competitors were ask- ed for a dialogue between one person trying to ask a simple question and another avoid-. ing the issue with circumlocutory jargon.

A master of the verbal sidestep is ap- parently Mr Alexander Haig, who as Secretary of State was asked by an aide for a pay rise and was reported to have answered, 'Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position's produc- tive capacity as juxtaposed to government standards, it would be momentarily in- judicious to advocate an increment.' The perplexed aide replied, 'I don't get it.' 'That's right,' said Mr Haig with un- characteristic lucidity.

'Jargon' can mean 'confused talk' as well as 'artificial and ponderous language'. Those of you who followed the latter inter- pretation tended to collapse under the weight of your own ingenuity. This week the prizes of £10 go to five relatively un- familiar names, the competitors who amus- ed me most, not necessarily by sheer ver- biage but by conjuring up a dramatic situ- ation. Hazel Stanley wins the bonus bottle of Pimm's No. 1 — 'stuff in a bottle', just what the doctor ordered.

'Am I going to die, doctor?'

'My dear fellow, we all have to one day.' 'But I mean soon?'

'That depends on a number of things. The condition can be fatal but I have had patients who have completely recovered. I remember once chap, he was a jobbing gardener, who's still alive — fit as a flea. Then there was poor Johnson. He got quite better and then killed himself on the motorway.'

'Johnson! The cricketer?'

That's the chap.'

'But they were fit. I've never been strong.'

'That doesn't seem to matter. "Cracked pit- chers go oft to the well", you know. You could easily see me out.'

`Do you really think so?'

'Yes, it's possible. Just look after yourself, don't overdo things and keep taking the tablets.' 'But you've given me stuff in a bottle!' `Just a phrase, young man. Goodbye, now.'

'Goodbye?' (Hazel Stanley) 'Where's ...?'

'The budgie? In with Mrs Butler. I told you; and she's got the plants for watering, too. Saves leaving our key with her. It's all done. Let's get started. You wanted to be away by five to avoid the jams, and it's ten past now ...

'But ...'

'Look — it's all locked up. You checked. Everything's turned off. You checked that, too• Come on, Let's go.'

'But where's ...?'

'All the things for the journey? On the back seat. A change of nappies for Ben. Made-up baby foods for him, ready opened into cups; spoon to feed him. Bottles of orange juice, boil- ed water and milk. Hope it doesn't go sour. His Teddy, Flask of coffee and sandwiches for us. Might be able to buy fresh milk, if it goes off. And you put the luggage in the boot. So let's go!'

`But where's Ben?' (Frances Gomm) 'So we'll be able to move in on Friday?'

'Friday? Friday? As I was explaining, that'll give us the best part of a week, I should think Friday, I mean look about, there's only that bit of skimming, the noggins are done, aren't they ... you want the house cleared completely?'

'Ready to move into.'

'Ah well, there'll be some snagging to see to: `let's be fair, that can't be done overnight ..... `So you won't be out on Friday?'

'Oh, I'm not saying that, but I wouldn't want to leave the job without tidying up .... don't you know .... that fixing and setting's got to be done, depends a bit on the weather, how long that takes to go off, you know what I mean, but with a bit of luck we could even be out by Thurs-

day for you (Crispin Kelly) 'Please can I have a salary increase?'

'That is a valid request to which, in the light of our total commitment to the very real needs of all our staff, we shall give serious consideration.'

'When?'

'At this juncture, whilst we are in the process of commencing a comprehensive review of work- ing practices within the company framework -- and attempting to assimilate a number of amend- ments to established internal procedures — it would be inappropriate to set a firm timetable on our information-gathering activities.'

'You bastard!'

'Unsubstantiated allegations against officers of this department are unconstructive. However, you will appreciate that, while precipitate action on our part would be ill-judged at this moment in time, hopefully, our eventual findings will permit us a greater degree of latitude within the foreseeable future and therefore enable us to give more active consideration to your individual cir- cumstances.' (Simon Daily/ 'Porter! Where do the trains for Oxford go from?'

`Ah, that depends on where you do live. Should you live in London or nearby, the trains for Oxford go from Paddington; but if you was to live in Worcester, say, .

'Look, all I need to know is where the trains to Oxford go from this station, and at what time. Surely that's a simple question?'

'Bless you, sir, nothing about them Oxford trains are simple. There's fast ones and slow ones, and them that do go slow to Didcot, and then fast. There's some as go slower on a Sun- day, and .. '

'But I want to get to Oxford now!'

`Ah, you got yer ticket?'

'Of course. First class.'

'Then you won't want the 2.33.'

`Why not?' 'That train don't have no first-class carriages!'

(B. BrocklesbY)