Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody
By Tamzin Lightwater MONDAY Who would have thought thrift could be so much fun! Am having a ball teaching working people to be careful with their money as part of our 'Live Life For Less' campaign. Obviously we can't actually cut the cost of living or mess about with interest rates and inflation (we're not going there again!) so the next best thing is to teach people to be a bit more responsible with the cash they have. Buy slightly smaller plasma TVs, one 4x4 per family, that sort of thing.
Nigel suggested it would be more hardhitting if we called it 'Poor people — know your limits', but Jed doesn't want to upset our new working-class supporters by being too confrontational. I think the approach we've settled on is quite tactful — simply reminding people to do their weekly shop at a nice local farmer's market instead of Iceland! I'm sure they will be instant converts when they see how much they can save on essentials like Normandy Camembert and extra-virgin olive oil if they opt for artisan street fayres.
I wrote a very useful section for our 'Sort It!' website, telling older working people how to keep warm for less this winter by turning their heating down and putting on more clothes — entitled 'Yo! Wrap up y'all!' — but Jed took this out after snapping my head off and calling me Edwina for some reason.
TUESDAY Office v tense. Dave has had a nightmare in which Tony resigns, Brown calls a snap election and we aren't ready. It must have been a bad one because Jed made us all join hands and chant the Serenity Prayer after morning strategy meeting (apparently he saw Madonna do this backstage). Nigel has set up a crack unit charged with compiling clever insults to be hurled across the Dispatch Box. So far we have a huge sheet of paper with the words 'Brown', 'Boring', 'Clunking' and 'Fatso' written on it. For some reason, when Dave saw it he started to hyperventilate. I don't know why he's panicking. I mean, it's not like we don't have any policies! Told Nigel I could write manifesto this afternoon if I had to. Nigel said that wasn't a bad idea, and could I get on with it immediately.
WEDNESDAY Manifesto writing not going that well. Suddenly can't think of any policies at all, apart from 'We will encourage you to spend less'; 'We won't let you go to Miami on holiday' and 'We won't cut your taxes'. I understand the thinking behind all this, but now I see it written down it doesn't sound very appetising.
Fraught meeting to decide whether to condemn Ms Kelly for sending her son to private school. Jed took a straw poll of all those in the room who did not go to a prep school costing at least £15,000 a year. When only he put his hand up, he turned to Dave and said 'Ha!' But I don't think this is fair. A lot of these so-called private schools are horrendous. Frampton Hall didn't get a single pupil in my year to university and we had to provide our own laptops and arrange our own horse transportation to summer camp.
THURSDAY Dave has had another nightmare in which Tony resigns, Brown cuts taxes and Ukip holds the balance of power after the next election. Jed stormed out of his office shouting 'Get Redwood on the phone.' Now Mr Maude's hyperventilating. Am exhausted just watching.
tamzin.lightwater@spectatmco.uk
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