YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. .
May I suggest another ingenious way to get rid of the telephone-hogger (Your prob- lems solved, 29 April)? The secret is to start saying something, and then hang up while you're talking. No one would suspect You have cut yourself off; you then leave the telephone off the hook for a few min- utes so that your interlocutor cannot get back through. When you next speak to him or her, just say, 'Oh, there was something wrong with my line, it was on and off all day.'
GA., Queen's Gate Gardens, London SW7 A. Thank you for reminding me of this helpful ploy.
Your correspondent R.B. of West Cornwall reminds me of a Somerset Maugham bon 'not. 'Is he a painter or a writer or some- thing?' I asked. 'No, Signore, he is a gentle- man.' How times change!
P.H., Cheval Place, London SW7 A. Indeed.
Q. A very elderly, infirm and widowed aunt Of my wife's has lived in France for most of her life. We always found her rather diffi- cult but endeavoured to keep in touch by post and telephone and rare visits. About a year ago she fell ill, and her only child, our cousin, on taking up an appointment in Thailand for a few years, put her mother into a nursing home and told us that as the old lady had become senile there was little point in trying to keep in touch with her. We duly sent her a Christmas card (not reciprocated) but nothing more. Now to our astonishment we have received from the aunt a card (a bit scrawly but perfectly cogent and characteristically abrasive) wishing us a happy Easter, asking for our news, spelling out the address of the nurs- ing home, and reproaching us for our long silence. How can we excuse ourselves? We cannot very well say that we had under- stood from our cousin that she had gone gaga.
S.R., address withheld A. Clearly your cousin was making a Baroness de Stempel-style bid to maximise her own share of her mother's will by see- ing off any other potential beneficiaries. No doubt this practice is widespread in geron- tocratic circles. As a first step, you should dash off an immediate letter to your aunt in the nursing home which brims with news and enthusiasm yet gives no explanation for your silence. In the meantime, send an innocently celebratory letter to your cousin in Thailand — how marvellous that her mother has recovered from the senility, one in a million chance of it happening, although there was the Ernest Saunders case etc. Then put the ball into her court: how does she suggest you explain to your aunt your failure to be in touch for so long? As a tertiary measure, make contact with the matron of the nursing home and ask her to keep you individually .informed of any developments in your aunt's condition.
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