YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. I have recently lost a lot of weight and, to my horror, notice that despite the fact that I am pre-menopausal I now have the condition 'crêpe neck'. How can I correct this appalling beauty defect with immedi- ate effect?
C. de S., London SW3 A. Nip into any branch of Accessorize Where beaded mini-necklaces are sold by the bunch for £7.99. Buy three or four of the elasticated bunches. They provide an attractive disguise for the neck area. Cling- ing tightly as they do, they will leave no room for creping to escape.
Q. Having lived in California formany Years, I will be moving back to Britain this autumn. Upon my return I will be getting Married to an Englishwoman with whom I have been having a transatlantic romance for the last year or so. During my Stateside sojourn I became engaged to, and subse- quently broke off with, an American woman. Despite my having made every effort to be as much of a gentleman as pos- sible, she has had great difficulty in accept- ing that our relationship has come to an end. She makes anonymous telephone calls, monitors my every move and heaps slander 3out me upon my friends and indeed my wife-to-be in an effort to turn them against _w e. I threatened her with legal action to no avail and, although I have made every effort to prevent her from finding out how to contact me in Britain, I fear that she will find a means. Friends tell me she intends to continue her onslaught. How can I put an end to her unspeakable behaviour? Name withheld, Beverly Hills, California A. Had you not acquaintances in common the normal solution would be for you to pre- tend to be dead. However, since this is not the case, you must use a variation on this step. Blocking your former girlfriend's ability to move on is her association between you and her own lack of self-esteem. To remove the blockage, write to her announcing in the strictest confidence that you have been diag- nosed as having an early onset of a degener- ative brain disease similar to Alzheimer's. Explain that this was clearly the reason why your judgment was distorted when you decided to terminate your relationship with her. Although you will have extended peri- ods of mental clarity it will be downhill all the way from now on. You have come to terms with your illness and are fortunate to have someone prepared to nurse you to the end, so you hope she will forgive the damage that your illness caused and allow you to live out your unpredictable number of remaining days in peace. In this way you will restore her amour-propre, enabling her to wipe the slate clean and target new suitors with confidence and gusto. She will soon forget about you and, once the danger has passed, you can stage an Ernest Saunders-style recovery.
Q. I recently invited some people to lunch — a duty invitation — and completely for- got about it. The couple turned up and I had no food in the house. I wish you had been at hand to advise me what to do, Mary, as I had no alternative but to come clean, and the couple took offence.
H.W., Sevenoaks, Kent A. At this time of year it is possible to con- ceal one's inefficiency by quickly moving a table and chairs into the garden and inviting the unexpected guests to enjoy a drink there while you put the finishing touches to your luncheon. Once they are out of earshot you can ring round the neighbours or takeaway delivery services for assistance, or even knock up some sort of mess from what goods are available in your kitchen. They need never suspect a thing, other than that you are a phenomenally bad cook.
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