Dear Mary..
Q. A friend of mine was at a party and a woman came up and introduced herself: 'I am the person who is sleeping with your boyfriend.' My friend was too astonished to think of any reply, and stood with her mouth open (this, she says, was the most humiliating part of the episode). What is the perfect reply in this situation?
G. C., London WI I A. Your friend could have replied, 'Sleeping? You mean more than once? Oh, that surprises me. I knew he did it for a bet. but I didn't realise that he had to do it more than once.'
Q. I have been longing to have Botox injections but my husband refuses to pay, on the grounds that you have to shell out again every three to four months in order to have it topped up. What might swing it would be if it also served as a vaccination against catching botulism in a germ warfare attack. Can you advise whether this is the case?
Name and address withheld A. I consulted Dr Mike Comins at the Lifestyle Clinic, Hans Place, London SW1, where furrowed foreheads are rendered frown-free. Unfortunately, he tells me that beauty-seekers rarely develop antibodies to the tiny amount of Botox used per session. The occasional person who does develop them is then unable to have further injections because they don't work, but, in any case, there are about eight different types of botulism toxins available for the terrorist to play around with. Meanwhile, the anxious may be reassured to know that germ warfare germs are very difficult to distribute aerially, and chlorine deals with those tipped into reservoirs.
Q. Last week I threw a small party in order to launch my latest book. Due to considerations of space I was able to invite only 200 people — all of these were either close and valued friends or distinguished journalists. At the end of the evening my publisher was dismayed to find that a total of 20 books could not be accounted for in the takings at the till available on the night. Clearly 10 per cent of the guests were under the illusion that an invitation to a book launch includes a gratis copy of the book to which
they could help themselves. How can I prevent this from happening again?
J.G., London WI I
A. Book launches are often blighted by the widely held misunderstanding that the books are free. Publishers should take a tip from the Sladmore Gallery in London's Bruton Mews, whose mini-sculptures will set off a bleep if lifted off their plinths at art fairs. A system supplied by Peter Hutcheson of Staplethorne Xtra-sense Limited (tel: 01404 43366) can preclude the nuisance of inadvertent book theft at parties. Plinths or even whole tables can made weight-sensitive with the use of battery-operated mini-alarms, so as to enable a smiling assistant to come forward in response to the single-tone bleep and ask if the handler would like to make a purchase. The reasonably priced alarms can be bought (from £90 each) or rented for the evening. Says Hutcheson, 'We can also supply a system where the sensor elements are in the plinth but the electronics and alarm are elsewhere, so that the alarm will go off without the person who has picked up the book or statue being made to feel uncomfortable.' Mary Killen
If you have a problem write to Dear Mary, c/o The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, London WCIN 2LL.
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