SCOTLAND
Friar Muggeridge at Auld Reekie
MERCURIUS EDINENSIS
GUID BROTHER LONDINIENSIS,
I hae received your letter of the 31st in whilk you speir for news from this our Northern Athens, as it pleases you to call it; but I must send you a damping reply, for in truth we have long ceased to claim any sic exotick title, being weel satisfied with ourselves under our proper designa- tion of Auld Reekie, and with our present spiritual and temporal government by the Ministers of the Kirk and the Lord Provost and Council of the City, the first founders and governors of our university. As for this Festival of the Airts, to whilk you refer as a testimony of our new enlightenment, I would have you know that neither we nor the guid citizens of this toun have anything to do with sic paipish fooleries, although 'tis not to be denied that some of us may benefit privily thereby (our ministers assuring us that it is nae sin to spoil the ungodly). Indeed, had it not been for the sudden indisposition of my puir sister Euphamie, I had not been here to answer your letter, having been minded, like the best of my brethren, to let my flat and plenishings to an opulent foreigner and go, with my golf-sticks and fishing-rod, and the works of my Lord Forbes and Dr Beattie, outwith the city into the kingdom of Fife; so you see that 'tis but ill-hap whilk keips me in toun at this season.
Nor does this our university offer sic news as would tickle your queasy southron palate. For we have here neither student stirs, as in your own ill-governed School of Oeconomicks, nor disputed elections, as in that frivolous university of Oxford, whose silly Mercurius would lang syne have been silenced by proper authority, had he opened his sawcy mouth here. But our young men mind their buiks and respect their pro- fessors, who come into their chairs without fuss, none knows how, and sit in them with dignity, expounding haillsome doctrine.
Howbeit, since you take note of the pro- fane foreign Festival in our midst, I will tell you that although we have not yet suc-
ceeded in putting a stop to those ungodly frolkks, yet we kelp up the battle and are in hopes that, in the end, by the guid sens, of the clergy and citizens, we shall recove our freedom. 'Tis true, some yeirs ago cer- thin of our bright sparks thought that the' could educate and polish these rude foreign- ers by insinuating into their Festival soms sound Scots airt, musick and letters: as Sir David Lindsay of the Mount, his merry satire against the Paip of Rome and his mistress, Dame Lechery; whilk was per- formed, for divers seasons, with great app- lause of the godly, in the Assembly Hall. And mair recently, Maister Douglas Young. a true Scotsman (who now lives maistly in Canada), put forth a witty rendering into braid Scots of a Greek play by Aristo- phanes, whilk I (though no lover of profane stage-plays) did out of loyalty attend on the one night for whilk it lasted. But this brow attempt to capture the Festival for out native Muses was craftily defeated by the foreigners, who are very persistent, and who contrive always to impose their own crea- tures as directors thereof: as now Maister Diamand, from Holland, and before that My Lord Harewood, an Englishman, and others; although there were guid Scots in plenty, as my Lord Provost's own secretary, a sound orthodox man, who were willing to carry that burthen and bring things into the right frame. So now, our Scottish airts hav- ing been altogether extruded by these foreigners, and nothing now to be seen or heard but immodest English plays by W. Shakespeir and Kit Marlowe (both known paederasts) and profane or paipish Italian musick (whilk the Italians have paid hugely to bring, for we would not suffer them to come otherwise), we are now, thank God, at full liberty to attack the haill enterprise: whilk has been done wee] and truly by an unlikely enough means, being an English- ipLa a (but Jas est et ab hove doceri), viz: Friar Boanerges Muggeridge.
This Friar Muggeridge, as you may know. is an old rake-hell, recently turned saint. who, having been gifted with a scathing tongue, and having used it these mony yeirs, to excoriate all humanity, from her Majesty downwards, has now, his other powers dwindling, consecrated this still lively mem- ber to God, and uses it with great effect against the sins, especially, of the flesh. He is not unknown in our city, for some yeirs past the foolish students of our university, haply not knowing of his conversion, elected him as their Lord Rector; in whilk office he soon showed the new spirit that had illu- minated him. For first, when they cryed out for liberty to indulge those sins, he rounded upon 'em and denounced 'em all for their fleshly lusts; and then, having publickly re- nounced his rectorship, he clomb into the pulpit of St. Giles' Kirk, whilk was put at his disposal by its worthy minister, Dr Whitley, and there stript and whipt it i •
sic style as did warm the hearts of all pre- sent; for indeed things have gone ill eneugh in this city since the good old statutes against witchcraft, adultery and trilapse in fornication were abrogated or fell intq 4e- suetude. Thereafter, like the prophet Eljtah, this good man retired for a time into the wilderness (i.e. among some shaveling in a paipish monkery in East Lothian) to open a sluice to Godward and so replenish his gall-bladder for the next devout occasion.
That opportunity has now come. For on
the eve of this idolatrous Festival, the same Dr. Whitley, feeling the need of a prophet to give fair warning to our new Nineveh, naturally remembered the good old friar, and being a man zealous of the Kirk's right (and of his own: as the late Dr. Warre and the Lord Advocate have experience), he, motu proprio, fetcht him up from Sussex to the self-same pulpit, inviting him thence to bless, if he thought fit, the coming Festi- val. Whereupon our Boanerges tool the hint, which was palpable eneugh, and (hav- ing seen to it that all would be fully reported : for he believes, with the philoso- phers, that esse is percipi) he mounted the pulpit and, stretching forth his hands, roundly cursed the hale hocus-pocus. Then, taking up his spiritual cat-o'-nine-tails, he plied it so lustily among the nine Muses (with whom he disdains any close familiar- ity) that 'tis much to be hoped those pagan prostitutes will never show their tattered mini-skirts and unseemly scarred bodies in this godly city again. After which, the guid friar girt up his loins and, declining all com- fortable refreshment (being now a stiff Rechabite), left the doomed city, never cast- ing a look back on it, even to reiterate his imprecations, lest he be turned to stone or salt.
These pious labours of Dr. Whitley and Friar Muggeridge have not, it must be' lowed, yet banished the Festival or the foreigners from our city; but they have done much to encourage the godly, and they hive been supported nobly, in particular, by one of our maist worthy city councillors, Mais- ter Kidd, a zealous and saintly magistrate, who has sought, by laying information be- fore the Procurator Fiscal, to have the participators in Maister Marlowe's play of King Edward II prosecuted for offences contra naturam; as also to have the haill Festival outlawed and the places where it has been enacted cleansed by fumigation. This proposal has not yet been carried out, by reason of the defects of our statutes; but 'tis to be hoped that when Mistress Ewing and her friends have restored our indefsn- dence and national grandeur, so that we have (at least) the same freedom as they in Ulster, this remora shall be overcome. Meanwhile we all strive to ensure, by taking away their money and refusing to minister to their debauched cravings for new opera- houses, late suppers, and suchlike carnal delights, that those foreigners who have once set foot in our city will not trouble us again.
Thus far, guid brother Londiniensis, I have cleered your errors; and now I pray you, trouble me nae mair with your letters, for, as you see, we are not here, nor wish to be, ony pairs of your dissolute Republick of Letters, ours being a city of guid order, sound doctrine and haillsome learning: the undisturbed practick and enjoyment where- of is the sole desire of
your wed-affected brother to admonish and correct you.
MERCURIUS EDINENSIS
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