No. 1228: The winners
Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked for a reply, from any major female character in a 19th-century English novel, to the recent advertisement: 'Young gentleman, well educated, independent means, wishes to meet cultivated, unaf- fected young lady taking as model Jane Austen's or Anthony Trollope's heroines.' `The retort courteous, the quip modest, the reply churlish, the reproof valiant, the countercheck quarrelsome, the lie cir- cumstantial ....' not to mention the ap- proach grovelling were all represented in coy and shameless variety. Her talent for combining modesty and shamelessness made Becky Sharp the most popular self- proposer: Julian had her, as Mrs Crawley, trying to get away with 'I know I could be a good woman on £5,000 a year'. The Dickens characters tended to treat the word `young' pretty cavalierly: Mrs Micawber replied with an optimism that the late lamented Wilkins would, she claimed, have applauded, and Miss Havisham (mirabile dictu!) offered herself as 'punctual ... but let me confess that I always seem to be behind with the housework' (N. J. Warbur-
ton). Nine pounds each to the winners below.
Sir, I am much taken by your advertisement since Mr Bennet and I have five daughters and it is hardly to be borne that they may not be settled before this horrid entail leaves them with no support beyond what Mr Collins may spare them, which cannot be much. I have not the pleasure of ac- quaintance with the authors you mention but Jane, Elizabeth, Mary, Kitty and Lydia are all such good, pretty girls that I beg you not to delay but to reply to say how many thousand a year you enjoy and how soon you may be able to visit Longbourne. Pray address your response in the care of my Dear Friend, Lady Lucas at Lucas Lodge. Mr Bennet does not appreciate a mother's sen- sibilities but I know he would be well pleased to see our daughters happily despatched.
I am, Sir, yours faithfully, (John Sweetman) Hotel Trois Couronnes, Vevey.
Sir, I read your advertisement in a periodical I found in this hotel. I'm sure it would be thought shocking but so are a lot of amusing things.
My mother and I and my brother Randolph (who is nine) are travelling in Europe. My father, Ezra B. Miller, is at home in Schenectady where he has a big business. I hope you are fond of society. I am very fond of it and have always had a great deal of it in Schenectady and in New York, so you could say I'm cultivated. I'm not used to telling gentlemen I am very pretty as they can see that for themselves but I guess I have to tell you. We visited England and I think it's perfectly sweet. Reply quickly as we go on to Rome for the winter.
Sincerely yours, Annie P. Miller (my friends call me Daisy) (Katherine Onslow) Sir, On his piljimage through this valley of the shadder, a gennleman has needs of a tender bosom whereon to lye his weery head, vich is what I offers at reageonable expense understandin porter drawd reglar and cowcumbers in Season. Horrible torters could not have renched sech Words from me (preguming to anser yr Notice) owin to my humble nater, exceptin Mrs Harris sayin to me but Saturday last, 'Oh! Sairey Gamp,' she says, 'if ever there was a sober creetur as to make a ansome pardner to any gennleman of whatever Stashun whatsoever, you are that inwallerable Parragone! Sairey,' she says, `if this pore adwertisement feller is a-pinin for a lovin art, Irrergite his wale of sorrer inter a flowerin guardian of appiness and bliss, for sech is your dooty to a Bein in Greet!'
I close a Widder, abidin yrs by return.
(Richard Parlour) Dear Sir, Anyone capable of coolly equating Emma Woodhouse with Anne Elliot and regarding Lily Dale as synonymous in character with Lady Glencora Palliser can hardly account himself Well educated. In so doing, he is patently affecting cultivation and thus betrays himself as ill qualified for the unaffected and cultivated companionship he seeks. In such circumstances, the independence of means of which he boasts is likely to be inherited and not earned.
All in all, then, we see before us a sadly muddled, conceited and presumptuous young man. However, as marriage to an academic cleric leaves the writer more leisure than she can conveniently accommodate, she is prepared to devote as much of it to the advertiser as will be necessary to elevate him to a pitch where he will merit the society of a class of heroine altogether superior to that to which he is accustomed. Yours sincerely, Dorothea Casaubon (Martin Fagg) Dear Young Gentleman, Upon my word, you amuse me! I should like to know how it comes that a well educated gentleman of independent means can lower himself to advertise in such a manner; and why any cultivated and unaffected young lady should be supposed to be in danger of needing to answer such an advertisement.
However, though I am in no such danger myself, it happens that a friend of mine, a Miss Harriet Smith, who is certainly young, cultivated and unaffected, might benefit from such conversation, properly chaperoned.
If you are truly what you say you are, then you could clO a great deal worse than let me know that you wish to pursue the matter, and I will make the necessary enquiries as to your connections and means. If all is as you say, I may be able to arrange a meeting.
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