YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Q. I have taken a lodge in Scotland for two weeks and am having 20 or so people to stay. Given that the forecast for sporting activities is unfavourable, what can I do to prevent the mood of my guests from spi- ralling downwards over the fortnight?
Name withheld, London SW1 4. Why not shift the emphasis of the facility you are offering towards it being more of an opportunity for a rest cure than for sporting satisfaction? To this end, invite one or more live-in masseurs to join the other members of staff. In this way, your guests will at least be sure of having a mea- sure of physical relaxation despite any sporting disappointments they may suffer. Few people can sustain a mood of bitter- ness when knowing that at some point of the day they can be certain of a degree of physical ecstasy not normally available in non-holiday life in a convenient context. I hope I need not spell out that no salacious- ness of any description should be either sought out or available through the services of the masseurs you engage.
Q. How can I indicate to the other parents
Dear Mary. .
at my children's prep school that I am in fact titled? I recently attended the end-of- term concert and felt that I wasn't getting quite the sort of respectful glances one can usually expect from middle-class people once they have learned one is a countess. I can hardly wear a badge with my name on it, so what do you suggest? Name and address withheld, Wilts A. Next time you attend a school concert why not sit at the very back of the room on a raised table or seat? Then scrawl a note on the back of one of your cheques and have it passed through the crowded room to the front where the music mistress will be standing. Your note should request an
`encore' of one of the pieces performed preferably by other children than your own. There will be no need for you to sign your name. No doubt the music mistress will be happy to read out, 'We've had a request from Lady so-and-so' (with any luck she will say the Countess of X) 'for an encore from the triangle players.' At this point everyone in the room will look behind them to see who has sent the note and you can beam graciously from your raised vantage point.
Q. What is the correct procedure when one has answered the telephone in the middle of cleaning one's teeth in order not to miss a call and then find it is someone one does not know very well and who would object to hearing one spitting out a mouthful of water before beginning to talk?
A.B., W8 A. Why not simply spit into a large sponge or bath-towel when you hear the voice of a person who would object to hearing you spitting into a sink? In this way the sound effects will be negligible.
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