COMPETITION
I beg your pardon?
Jaspistos
IN COMPETITION NO. 2097 you were invited to supply one side of a telephone conversation composed entirely as if with the aid of an English phrasebook for for- eign tourists.
My learned friend Christopher Howse ensured that I should be tickled pink when I returned to the judgment seat. This was fun, from David Jones's classic problem, The trouser-press in my room is malfunc- tioning', to Paul Griffin's French farce, `The chambermaid is in my bedroom . . . My husband is in my bedroom . . . Where does this road lead to?', to Tom Durrheim's risque, 'Hello! With whom am I having intercourse with the greatest of pleasure? . . . I am receiving great satisfac- tion in getting on to you. My enthusiasm is to communicate my complaint.' Bill Greenwell's 'I am old enough to be your football manager' struck me, but not as likely to be in a phrasebook.
The prizewinners, printed below, get £25 each, and the bottle of The Macallan Single Malt Highland Scotch whisky goes to John O'Byrne.
Hello, is there anyone at home? Are you manual? I am in a booth near the railway station. It's get- ting very late. I think I am lost. I cannot see the national monument to the dead patriots. Is there a place to buy a meal on a small budget? Hello, I am lost and I do not know where the nearest help station is. Can you direct me to the nearest square with an authorised tourist guide? Hello, good day, good evening, this is a very pleasant city in which to spend a short/long weekend. My name is Tom/Pedro/Roberto/Maria. I have just 20 units in currency and/or American dollars. Are you a person who is in a position of authority? Where do I buy a headache pill? Is the water eli- gible to drink? I see the monument to the dead patriots. It is very beautiful and fulfilling. Hello, who are you? Thank you for your assistance and courteous manner. Goodbye. I am a tourist visit- ing your country. (John O'Byrne)
May I make a phone call, please? Operator, you gave me the wrong number. Who is responsible for this accident? I want to speak to Gloria. Gloria? Hello, this is Kostas speaking. Welcome, please, thank you! Speak more slowly, I should like to take you out — what are the visiting hours? Where can I spend the night? Gloria, I have got a wound — can you prescribe me an antidepres- sant? I have a heart-attack — will it shrink? Why are you laughing? What do you mean, your postil- ion has been struck by lightning? Will you enlarge this, please? We shall be out of our depth here does anyone speak English? OK, do you accept travellers' cheques — no, wait — do you accept tonight? I'll pick you up at your hotel. Look out! Thank you for your hospitality! Good luck! All the best! Cheers!
(Alyson Nikiteas)
Sir, the product that you sent me is not as ordered. The brakes are binding. I am a visitor to your country. I am from blank. I am here for blank months. No, I do not speak English well. But I am keen to learn! That is a word I do not understand, Please explain it to me. You are labouring under a misapprehension. I have no formal medical training. Am I speaking to some- one in authority? Your representative assured
me that the guarantee was valid for all domestic incidents. My wife has severe boils. Please lower your voice. There are children sleeping nearby. The water is coming through the ceiling. The cat is having fits. As you cannot assist me, I will be obliged to contact the authorities. Goodbye. I hope that we meet again soon.
(Nick Syrett)
Good day to you. I wish to complain about London. It is not as advertised in your brochure. The toilet facilities are insufficient. My wife is distressed. We have been unable to visit the Queen, we cannot find Buckminster Palace, our luggage has gone to Dubai, my umbrella has been stolen by thieves. Where may we find adequate toilet arrangements? We must visit the public house? I must order some fine English ale? My wife will wish to avail her- self of the toilet arrangements there immedi- ately. Where is the nearest public house? 1 do not know where we are. I am in a telephone box. My wife is outside a telephone box. My wife is outside the telephone box that I am in. The telephone box is near a very busy road. I must go now. My wife appears to have col- lapsed. Good evening.
(Adrian Fry)
Goodnight. Do I have the honour of addressing the National Rail Inquiry Service? Thank you. I wish to inquire about trains from London. It's not a problem if you don't have all night. I only require the daytime service. What is the price of a return ticket to Brighton? I have heard of the English class system. Please explain it to me. Thank you, Madam. You are 'as plain as a pikestaff. So, how much is a second-class return ticket? To which period are you referring? I'm afraid I didn't follow that. Please 'run through' it again more slowly. What is 'bleeding koko'? Is it an idiom? I'm interested in English idioms and sayings. 'It is better to travel hopefully than to arrive.' This is the motto of National Rail, I believe. Don't worry, I'm only 'pulling your leg'. Hello? ... Hello? ...Operator, I've been cut off without a 10p.
(W.J. Webster)
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