YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. . .
Mary Killen has invited some of her favourite celebrities to submit some queries.
From: Dame Diana Rigg London Q. I get invited to all sorts of occasions, not necessarily connected with the arts, most of which I thoroughly enjoy as I get the chance to meet interesting people. I gener- ally pitch up alone since I dislike the idea of using a walker. There have been instances, however, when, owing to the fact that I am on my own, people have drawn the conclu- sion that I am 'cruising'. I find this very irri- tating. How do I kindly inform the lady who has hurried over to claim the husband I am talking to that I really am not interested in his paunchy old bod?
A. You must take charge of the situation by immediately starting to overpraise her hus- band in the most exaggerated and gushing manner, even to the point of total insinceri- ty, calling him a complete poppet and a total darling etc. The wife will swiftly realise you do not mean a word of it and back off in relief.
From: Emma Hope, Symons Street, London SW3 Q. A friend of mine is the female lead in a West End production whose run has been extended. Unfortunately the actor who played opposite her did not continue into the new run and has been replaced by a man whose real-life character is unpleasant. This is marked by his trait of not kissing as though kissing a plate (as professional kiss- es are conventionally made). Instead he kisses as though eating a peach. How can she punish him without appearing unpro- fessional?
A. She should purchase a bottle of 'Stop 'n Grow', available at all pharmacy counters. The foul-tasting, though not poisonous mixture, is normally used to shock absent- minded nail-biters into a realisation of what they are doing. A light coating painted onto her own lower-lip area should have the same effect on her leading man. In fact this method might even assist your actress friend to exude a greater sensuality than normal, since her unwillingness to taste the mixture herself will lead to her leaving her own mouth dangling permanently open in a concupiscent manner.
From: Jeremy Paxman, Shepherd's Bush, London W12 Q. I recently received a letter which read: 'Dear Paxman, you make me sick. Why don't you f— off and die? Yours sincerely, J. Robinson, Sunderland. PS. Please send a signed photograph so I can tear it up and burn it.' I used to deploy the Robert Mul- doon response (Dear Mr Robinson, I think you ought to know that some lunatic is using your name to send abusive letters through the mail'), but I got a bit bored with it, and a soft answer does not always turn away wrath. What do you suggest?
A. Why not copy the method used by Hugh Massingberd during his famous run as obit- uaries editor of the Daily Telegraph? Mass- ingberd would never send written replies to the authors of threatening or abusive corre- spondence. Instead he would startle them in their own homes by telephoning them direct. Belligerenti usually reveal them- selves to be paper tigers when confronted in this manner. You need only announce your name and the fact that you are ringing in response to their letter and then stay silent. The Mr Robinsons of this world, thrown off their guards, will splutter out a sentence or two of modified abuse before withdrawing it and ending by congratulating you on your consistently stimulating performance.
From: Lord Quinton, London W1 Q. On congested social occasions people sometimes come up to me and say, 'Oh hello, John Julius, I haven't seen you for ages.' It is an intelligible mistake and I don't quite know how to handle it. I have on occasion gone along with it; on other occasions I have not felt satisfied with the deceitfulness. Can you help, dear Mary? A. You could laugh good-naturedly, then reply, 'Oh, do you mind not calling me that. I no longer wish to be known as John Julius Norwich. I've changed my name by deed poll to Anthony Quinton.'
From: Robert Sangster, London W11 Q. What do you say to a lady guest in your box at Ascot when she says, 'I've just lost five quid on your wretched nag' when you have lost a lot more and a win at Royal Ascot would increase the stallion value enormously?
A. Pass her an extra glass of champagne and ask her to repeat the insult, feigning not to have heard what she said. She will almost invariably come up with something more appropriate to the luxury of her sur- roundings.
From: Luke Johnson, London W10 Q. I work in an office directly above our warehouse in North Kensington. It is con- venient but noisy and rather basic. Do you think I should move to a grand office in Mayfair to give visitors a better impression, or stick with my cheap accommodation which is closer to the action?
A. The sage John Hatt once observed, 'The only happy rich people are the ones who manage to convince themselves they are not rich but just spend their time gardening and going to children's parties. Once you start buying Lear jets and shopping at Asprey's you are finished.' Few who have experience of the rich would disagree with him. And since you have so recently dis- played your business proficiency by buying £25 million-worth of Pizza Express restau- rants in October, there should be nothing further to prove.
More celebrity problems in the next issue.
'I took it off when I heard that bull-bars can be dangerous.'
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