Radio
Pressing problems
Michael Vestey
When Radio Four began broadcast- ing the first Test Match from Edgbaston on long-wave last week, the announcer kept urging listeners to phone a helpline if they had any difficulty retuning to FM to receive the network's usual programmes. It made me wonder what sort of people, the very elderly and short-sighted apart, need- ed such advice and how the conversation would run.
Would they have nerd-like voices and ask, 'What is FM?', rather like the girl on a BBC training course who once demanded to know of a lecturer, 'What is a decibel?' As the day wore on, the nature of such a conversation began to intrigue me and I tried to imagine how it would go. Presum- ably, people ask, 'How do I retune?"Well, you press the button marked FM and turn the tuner to 92.9 where you will find Radio Four. Do you need any help in pressing the button? You have to lift a finger, you know, and then press down, or move the switch sideways depending on the sort of knobs your radio has."Oh, thank you,' replies the listener in a Secombe-type voice.
By Sunday, the urge actually to do it became irresistible but I would surely have to assume a silly voice. Not being Rory Bremner I didn't think I could cruise in nerd-mode for long but having been fishing in Scotland for a week listening to gillies, I settled for a broad, earthy accent of the kind I'm particularly fond of, practising beforehand, 'I d'nae want the cricket, wee laddie.' I dialled the number and to my horror, in response to my gruff `Hill000' a pleasant Scottish lady answered `flill000'. Collapse of wheeze. I lost my nerve and stammered about a bogus difficulty in locating Radio Four on FM. She said quite a few people had phoned for guidance.
So, that was the end of that wee obses- sion, and it was back to the cricket where Test Match Special, still in danger of being shunted off Radio Four long-wave to heav- en knows where, was celebrating its 40th anniversary. This year, the commentary box is enlivened by the presence of the two for- mer Australian fast bowlers, Dennis Lillee and Jeff Thomson. Clearly the chaps are enjoying their stay in Britain. Thomson: 'I did myself a favour and went to bed last night.' It helps,' replied Christopher Mar- tin-Jenkins in his head-prefect mood.
On Saturday when a male streaker ran on to the pitch, Lillee chortled, 'Fred True- man said you shouldn't flash outside the off stump. That bloke was certainly flashing outside off.' Yes, TMS is in fine form and, though it seems to annoy many regular Radio Four listeners who, for some reason, object to retuning, it has millions of fans. As I've said before, I hope it remains where it is. Surely not even the present BBC management can destroy such first- rate quintessential broadcasting?
One of the few unexpected pleasures of the Conservative defeat in the general elec- tion was the departure from the Commons of MPs like Edwina Currie. That's the last we've seen of her, I thought complacently. But I should have known that you can't always keep a Currie down. I groaned when I switched on Radio Five Live to find out what they were offering on Sunday morning and heard a woman yelling, 'It's Edwina Currie on Sunday!' Can it be? I thought, the grim realisation dawning on me, an experience not unlike the seconds after a car crash when you know you've pranged the car, and sit at the wheel won- dering how on earth it could have hap- pened.
When I first heard her I was too dazed to switch off immediately and caught her pro- moting the European Movement, that body of Euro-fanatics. I came to, though, and lunged towards the radio turning it off with such savagery the knob nearly came away. But, observing the principle that if you fall off a horse you get straight back on again, I determined last Sunday to listen to the full two-and-a-half hours of her programme, replete with painkillers. Mercifully, plenty of distraction was provided by the regular news bulletins, but I wonder if her pro- gramme should be renamed, Currie on Europe because it seems to be a remark- able platform for her views.
She entered into a long and cosy discus- sion with the former British ambassador to what was then the EC, Sir Michael Butler, who is now advising Tony Blair and Robin Cook. Currie to Butler in the radio car: `The last time we met was at Brooks's Club, at a dinner for the European Movement.' How lovely for them, I thought. Butler was pleased that we now had a government of `constructive engagement' with the EU, and Currie seemed to approve too, having done her best to help Blair into No. 10.
Butler criticised Eurosceptics. He said he'd heard Michael Howard say that this weekend's EU summit in Amsterdam threatened the existence of Britain as a nation state. 'Rubbish,' said Butler. 'Abso- lute rubbish,' agreed Currie. 'Absolute rub- bish,' matched Butler. Butler was allowed to ramble in his lofty mandarin tones through his pro-EU arguments without so much as a query reflecting any other point of view.
She needs an editor to point out that not all listeners agree with her and her guests.
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